Before eating any candy, visually identify available varieties; shift candy in basket to see what is on the bottom. Some people categorize inventory into "good candy" and "bad candy;" however, there is no such thing as "bad" candy. A better designation would be "good candy" and "better candy." In any case, select one - and only one - piece of candy to eat. Pick your favorite variety. If you wish, you may mumble quietly, "I'll take this one."
Repeat the above procedure at intervals ranging from twenty-four hours to one minute. Best practices recommend beginning with a longer interval between candy-eatings, which gradually grows shorter. At some point you will notice that the "good candy" is disappearing faster than your consumption accounts for. This is due to your wife sneaking pieces when you aren't looking. Resentment is futile; view yourself and your spouse as a team, working in unspoken cooperation to eliminate leftover candy. Nevertheless, it is desirable to prevent her from eating all the good candy, leaving you the drudgery of eating what's left. Eating some second-best candy and even some of the worst demonstrates a good-faith effort not to be selfish, and moreover, may convince her to follow your example, ultimately leaving more good candy for you.
When you no longer see any good candy, bring the basket into the living room for greater convenience. By now, the contents of the basket will be reduced enough that having it in plain sight will not be a disgusting indication of personal gluttony. Moreover, it is not unusual to discover in transit some "good candy" that had been previously overlooked. Eat this at once.
As you work through the second-best and third-best candy, you may discover a variety is tastier than you thought and should be promoted in rank. Make a careful mental note of this for greater candy-eating efficiency next year. When you have nothing but fourth-best and lower candy available, place the basket beside the couch so you can eat while you watch TV. By this time, your spouse has stopped eating, and the entire chore has fallen on your shoulders.
Eating while recumbent may result in spillage. Spilled candy should be retrieved as quickly as possible from couch cushions or floor following the five-second rule. In the case of Halloween Candy, you may wait as long as one day to eat candy found between couch cushions, provided no one is looking. It is imperative, however, to eat candy from the floor immediately to prevent the dog from getting it, as candy is bad for dogs.
It is acceptable at this point to eat four or even five pieces at a time, to compensate yourself for low candy quality. Candy packagers, with the help of expert appraisers, evaluate the desirability of each variety, and put in greater portions of low-ranking treats. Or at least it seems this way.
After a marathon candy-eating session, you may experience wooziness and a slight stomach upset. This is normal. When the candy is gone, the basket may contain empty wrappers. Squeeze each wrapper carefully before disposal to ensure no candy has been overlooked.
When complete, put empty basket away until next year.
