POSITIVE SELF TALK: A good mental attitude is half the battle when it comes to fighting off a realistic appraisal of yourself. Try saying things like, "Don't be a loser!" "Cheer up!" and "When you're dead, none of this will matter anyway."
POSITIVE BODY IMAGE: When you walk by a mirror, be sure to hold your stomach in. You are holding it in? Whoa. Maybe one of those special fun-house mirrors would help.
DEVELOP A HOBBY: If you suck at pretty much everything you do now, maybe it's time to find something new to suck at. Try woodworking, playing the guitar, bird watching. Don't worry about the time commitment, because knowing you, you'll give it up in a few days anyway, and there's plenty of room for the woodworking tools, guitar, or binoculars in the accumulated junk lying around your house. But in the meantime, you can fool yourself into thinking you're accomplishing something.
PAMPER YOURSELF: A nice long, three-hour shower with all your clothes on as you sob can be soothing and rejuvenating. Stay in bed all day. Eat a gallon of ice cream straight from the box. Turn off all the lights, sit in a corner and drink a bottle of red wine all by yourself.
DON'T NEGLECT YOUR FRIENDS: Who's always there for you when times are good? Your friends. And who abandons you the one time you really need them? Your friends. Those bastards. It might feel really good to un-friend them on Facebook, but even better to send them angry or even threatening messages until they un-friend you. Why should you have to do all the work in the relationship?
