I think we've had a darn fine, and I mean darn fine, convention here, and it makes me almost proud to be your nominee for the next president of these United States. (Smattering of applause. A voice from the back shouts, "You go, Jim!" Laughter.) To hear the media talk, those dang right-and-left leaning reporters, with their smug talk about "two party system," and "a choice between diametrically opposed ideologies," you'd think that the Republicans and Democrats were the only two parties out there. For the past two hundred years, the Whig Party of America has been shouting like a voice in the wilderness, reminding anyone who'd listen of the principles that made America great: namely, a strong stand against granting statehood to the Oklahoma territory, a sound monetary policy - making potato cakes our official currency, and compulsory rickshaw utilization by 2020. No new taxis! No new taxis! (Smattering of applause.)
Our primary challenge ahead is to draw media attention to our efforts. This is also the challenge of our primary. Ha ha. (Silence.) The RNC garnered huge internet notice when somebody who apparently is some sort of famous actor or something, addressed his speech to an empty chair. Our attempt to top this by appointing an actual empty chair as our keynote speaker was less than successful. Let us admit our mistake and go on. Henceforth, we will make our case to the public with dignity and somber reflection. Hence, the see-through bunny costume you now see me wear. (Light applause. Gagging sounds.) In any case, I intend to make my remarks brief. (Loud applause. Stomping of feet and cheering.) I see Marge is coming in with another plate of hot wings, and (Interruption by more applause.) And I know you'll each want to get your hot wing before they're all gone. Thank you for your nomination. God bless America.
