Getting in Shape

Do you know how much money Americans spend each year on exercise equipment?  Do you?  Well, I don't know either, but it's a lot.  If you took all the hours people actually use this equipment and divide it by the number of hours they spend watching viral kitten videos on the internet, you'd....  Okay, I forgot where I was going with this statistic, but it's pretty dang impressive, and can tell you, and would really make you stop and think.  It would.  So the time has come to find more effective uses for that expensive junk cluttering up your basement.

An elliptical machine weighs between 200 and 400 pounds.  Buy one.  Stick it in front the refrigerator.

Armbands are basically handles attached to bungee cords.  Take one of these and wrap it around your jaw so you can't eat.

Some people say dumbbells are old-fashioned.  Not so!  Used correctly, they can significantly reduce weight.  Every time you feel like eating, drop one on your toe.

You can install a chin-up bar in less than fifteen minutes.  Put it real close to the ceiling and do a chin-up as fast as you can.  You'll knock yourself out and won't be able to eat.

Get your treadmill going as fast as you can.  Once it's going full blast, suddenly stop running.  After the doctors have wired your jaw shut, you won't be able to eat as much.

Exercise clothes.  These are more important than most people realize.  Get yourself a bright day-glo spandex outfit and wear it everyday.  Don't wear anything but this outfit.  You'll be too embarrassed to leave the house and drive to Burger King.