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Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Why Do I Have This Penguin on My Head? I'm Glad You Asked

Why do I have this penguin on my head?  Well, I'm glad you asked.

This is not a fashion statement, nor a protest over the exploitation of penguins in "cute penguin" videos you see on Facebook.  I am wearing this penguin under doctor's orders.

Yes, this is a Medical Penguin.

While controversial, the use of Medical Penguins has gained wider acceptance for a variety of symptoms such as migraine, male-pattern baldness, and hoof-in-mouth disease.  This is not to say that Prescription Penguins are without their side-effects.  Penguins have cold feet, and their fecal matter - while rich in health-giving fish oils - must be shampooed out daily and can stain the shirt collar.  Dry mouth, uncontrollable sexual urges, thoughts of suicide, changes in behavior, impulsive gambling are other potential side-effects.  My doctor said if I had an erection lasting more than four hours, I should contact him right away, but I think he was asking for personal reasons of his own.

Many of these same symptoms may also affect the penguin.  In fact, recently I have learned that the penguin on my head is there under orders from a zoo veterinarian.  Frankly, I'm beginning to worry we've both been sold a bill of goods.

Which brings us back to the question, why I have a penguin on my head in the first place.  Like many existential questions - why do we fall in love, why do we live and die, why do we have penguins on our heads - the answer is both simple and complex.

I have a penguin on my head because if I didn't, you'd have to find a different question to ask.

I have a penguin on my head because I have a penguin on my head.

It's none of your business why I have a penguin on my head, now go away.

I have a penguin on my head?  Oh my God, I thought it was a puffin!

In truth, I cannot know just why I have a penguin on my head any more than I can know the answers to other conundrums - Is there a God? What is the destiny of humankind?  Where did I put my glasses?  These questions and others must go forever unanswered, but in a broader sense, don't we
 all have penguins on our heads?

1 comment:

  1. If I may be permitted to adapt the famous bit from "Professor" Irwin Corey:

    You ask: "Why do I have this penguin on my head?"

    Now this is really a two part question that is best addressed if we take each part separately.

    The first part, "Why?" is an age old question that has puzzled the greatest human minds throughout thousands of years of history. Philosophers, theologians, historians, and scientists have all sought in their own way to answer it, and have proposed theory upon theory...some elegant, some improbable, and some (perhaps) impossible. Books have been written about it, songs sung about it, and every lover has at one time or another paused to ask himself, in all earnestness, that simple but profoundly troubling question, "Why?" And after all of that effort by millions of people over thousands of years, we are still no closer to an answer than when we began.

    Now for the second part of your question: "Do I have this penguin on my head?"

    The answer is: Yes!