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Monday, December 16, 2013

The End of the Universe and Why You Should Care

As Higgs Boson does its dirty work,
everything in the universe will grow heavier.
I have reason to believe the universe will soon collapse into a tiny ball.  It's all due to the Higgs Boson, you know, the one that scientists dubbed the God Particle.  It seems Higgs Boson has started believing its own publicity; now, scientists are saying that "at any moment" one of these could become ultra dense and "bubble up" anywhere in the universe.  When that happens, it will expand outward at the speed of light, absorbing other particles, which would also become ultra-dense, and these would pull more particles into themselves, which would also become ultra-dense, and so forth until the whole shebang crushes down into a billiard ball that weighs about one trillion zillion tons.  This is concerning if, like me, you have dinner plans later this week.

Now here's the bad news.  It's already happening.  Things around the house, that I used to be able to pick up with ease, are growing heavier. Observational data confirms my entire body has been absorbed into a Higgs Boson field.  Also, my pants are definitely contracting.

The end is nigh.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you so much for this learned, scientific analysis. I have noticed a pronounced increase in the force of gravity in recent years, as well...and figured that there surely must be some logical scientific reason behind it.
    Just recently I played volleyball with some friends, and...although I jumped just as hard as I ever did...I didn't get off the floor nearly as high as I used to. The only possible explanation I could think of was that gravity had somehow gotten much stronger than it was back when I was in my 20's and 30's. (Thank you VERY MUCH, Higgs Boson!)
    My teammates had a different theory about my lack of vertical leap, but it's too ridiculous to mention.