Resolutions

I resolve that next year drawings of me will
exercise at least three times a week.

A study shows that fewer people than ever are making resolutions.  This is concerning; what will become of America if we lose the deluded optimism that leads us to believe we can lose thirty pounds or finish that memory quilt before little Sally gets back from reformatory?  Deluded optimism is what made America great, it's the foundation of our national fabric.  (Yes, I know, fabric doesn't have foundations, but let it go.)  Our whole attitude toward making resolutions has changed: it used to be, "What's your resolution this year?" then it was, "Are you making any resolutions this year?" and now it's, "Are you dead yet?  I thought you were dead."

The lack of resolutions has serious economic implications.  The fitness club industry, which is the linchpin of the national fabric's foundation, depends for survival on the sudden burst of new memberships between January and February.  By March, those members have drifted away, but the gym has gotten enough extra revenue to see it through the lean months; meanwhile Krispee Kreme and Duncan Donuts get a huge boost in business as fitness backsliders finally give up and buy themselves a dozen who-the-hell-did-I-think-I-was-fooling glazed donuts.

America's already fallen behind China.  Also Japan, Singapore, Taiwan, Germany, and Iceland.  If we don't want to fall behind Luxembourg as well, everyone needs to make a resolution this year, however small.  Make a little resolution, such as "I resolve to eat the rest of those candied almonds."  The time has come to step up to the plate and wipe the cobwebs from the linchpin of the foundations of our national fabric.