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Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Commandments for the 21st Century

I. Thou shalt not be a BUTT-HOLE.  This is the first and greatest commandment.  On this hang all the other commandments.

II. When thou art at a fast-food restaurant, thou shalt make thy decision before thou arrivest at the counter.  Thou shalt not keep others waiting while thou makest up thy mind, for thou hast known of this restaurant all thy life, and of all the things therein that are good to eat.  For to do otherwise is to be a BUTT-HOLE.

III. Thou shalt not play thy car radio at ear-numbing levels, for the people of the land wish not to hear it.  Thou mayest even drum thy hands on the steering wheel and sing along in the privacy of thy car, and do all such things as make thy heart glad, but turn thou the volume to a reasonable level.  To do otherwise is to be a BUTT-HOLE.

III. Thou shalt not speak on thy cell phone while driving, neither shalt thou put on make-up or skim a newspaper.  For it has been ordained that whilst thou drive, thou mayest only drive and no other thing.  Phone calls, make-up, and reading thou mayest do when thou art not driving.  To do otherwise is to be a BUTT-HOLE.

IV. Thou shalt cover thy mouth when thou coughest in this manner: raise thou thy arm to thy face and cough into the crook of thy elbow.  To do otherwise is to be a BUTT-HOLE.

V. When the almond milk is almost gone, thou shalt simply drink the rest of it.  Thou shalt not leave an eighth of an inch in the bottom, and leave it in the refrigerator, but this is not consideration as thou deceivest thyself in thy heart, but just being lazy.  Moreover, it is to be a BUTT-HOLE.

VI. When thou walkest thy dog, thou shalt not leave his poop out in the open where anyone can step on it, for this is to be a BUTT-HOLE.

VII. When thou parkest thy car, thou shalt not take two parking spaces even though thou fearest mightily thy car will be scratched.  Park thy car within the white lines and leave room for other drivers.  To do otherwise is to be a BUTT-HOLE.

VIII. Except thou be at a club or bar where such behavior is deemed appropriate, thou shalt not carry on loud conversations in public with friends or on the cell phone, for example at the grocery store.  For the people of the land wish not to hear about thy private life and having everyone know thy business does not make thee a more interesting person.  Heed well this commandment, or thou art a BUTT-HOLE.

IX.  Except thou be in a crowded elevator or where such behavior is unavoidable, thou shalt not stand no closer than four feet away from strangers or others thou knowest not well.  To do otherwise is to be a BUTT-HOLE.

X. Except in private places where such behavior is deemed appropriate, thou shalt not smooch or slobber all over thy beloved, neither shalt thou touch them in thy private parts, even thou such things make thy heart glad, for the people of the land wish not to be a witness to it.  Wait until thou gettest home.  To do otherwise is to be a BUTT-HOLE.

1 comment:

  1. You would make a good "prophet". They all tend to be a little bit mad, and the best ones are all bat-shit crazy. And of course, a work entitled "The Book of Man" would fit right in with current scripture.
    I read somewhere that the more insane the prophet, the more dedicated and faithful his followers will be. He (or she) may not have a large following, but they will be dedicated, true believers. And history seems to prove that out, when you think about it. Just think about all the recent "prophets" we've seen over the years. They all tell their followers: "You all need to go out every day and work your tails off...and then bring ME all your money. Oh, and by the way...I get to marry all the young nubile girls when they get about 14 or so." And the followers all throw their hands in the air and go along with it. Talk about shearing the flock...

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