Know Your Animal Friends

Well, I like you.

Your dog is definitely your friend.  I mean, just look at her.  She'd do anything for you.

The chickens are not exactly your friends, but they're definitely on a first-name basis.

The neighbor's dog is also your friend.

Squirrels are not your friends.  The most they can say is they don't mind you.  They are not your enemies either.  Even though they'll take a nearly-ripe tomato off the vine eat one bite and leave the rest to rot, they aren't doing it out of dislike.  It's nothing personal.  Just squirrel business as far as they're concerned.

Birds aren't your friends, either.  Sorry, chucko.  I know you leave out hummingbird feeders and cages of suet for them, and they're happy to come and snack on it, but frankly, they're just using you.  They don't even know who's leaving food for them.  They don't know anyone is leaving food for them.  They just know there's food.

Possums, foxes, and raccoons are definitely not your friends.  Again, they don't dislike you so long as you leave them alone, but they are not your friends.

Mosquitoes are not your friends.

Ladybugs, butterflies, bumblebees, and cicadas are not your friends either.  I know you like them, but they couldn't possibly care less about you.  Seriously.

Roaches, silverfish, and ants are not your friends, but you already knew that.  If there are any of these in your house, they have precisely the same relationship to you as the gorgeous red cardinal that comes to feed at your suet cage.  As far as they know, your house is just a handy place to get a free meal.

Bacteria is not your friend.  I know some of it is helpful, like the stuff in your gut.  (When did scientists start calling it a gut?)  But they are not your friend.  The same goes for the bacteria that isn't helpful, that's actively trying to kill you.  The good bacteria and the bad bacteria regard you exactly the same way as cardinals and cockroaches - you're a place to grab a quick meal.  In fact, that pretty much goes for all the animals of your acquaintance: you are interesting to them only insofar as you help them get something to eat or prevent them from getting something to eat.  Other than that, you never even cross their minds.

But the dog is still your friend.