My Secret Techniques with Women

In this artist's depiction of Nancy
picking up my dirty underwear,
you can actually see her getting hot.

People ask me all the time, "What are your secret techniques with women?"  The way they normally ask it is, "What do you know about women, anyways?"  Mostly the person who asks me this is Nancy.  Mostly the way she puts it is, "Do you know anything about women?" or else she'll say, "Do you know anything at all?" or else just, "Are you crazy?"

Yes, crazy.  Crazy like a fox.  A super-sexy stud fox.

Some people, when they want to "do it," or as I call it, the "hibbidy-bibbidy," beg and plead pathetically.  This is a big mistake.  Begging and pleading is the last step of the seduction, and you have to do every procedure of the following three-step process before you get to it.

1. The first step I call "laying the groundwork."  To do this, you have to understand the psychology of women.  See, women secretly believe the hibbidy-bibbidy is dirty, and they never get over this belief.  So if you want to lay groundwork, or as I call it, "defrost the bagel," you've got to plant the seed in her unconscious mind.  I do this by making sure to leave my dirty underwear on the floor.  Pretty slick, huh?  This way when she picks it up, she immediately associates me and dirty underwear.  Need I mention what underwear covers up?  The naughty bits.  There, I said it.  See, it's all about the unconscious mind - not just hers, but mine.  Nancy will say, "What were you thinking?  Were you thinking at all?"  The unconscious is a very powerful thing.

2. The next step is body language.  Ninety percent of communication is non-verbal.  This means, when Nancy is saying something I don't really need to listen, but if she throws a piece of crockery at me, I need to sit up and pay attention.  I also use body language to communicate back.  I call this "making the move."  Actually a more accurate term is "not making a move."  We could also call it "comatose."  Women are looking for a man who can make them feel comfortable.  The best way to do this is to be comfortable with yourself.  I do this by stretching out on the sofa in my boxers when I watch TV.  I also usually spill peanut butter cookies on the floor.  This goes back to the first step, "defrosting the bagel," which I call, "spreading the marmalade."

3. Pretty soon you're ready to get down to begging and pleading, but not so fast, Chuckles.  You got to take care of the bod.  I call this "The Love Machine."  Nancy calls it "Mr Giggles" or sometimes, "For God's sake, put on some pants.  You're scaring the dog."  Again, women's psychology comes into play.  I call this, "Getting into her head."  Nancy calls it, "Driving me crazy."  Women want a man who's comfortable in his own skin.  That means you need a lot of skin to be comfortable in.  They don't call them "love handles" for nothing.

So in a nutshell, that's my secret technique.  Now all that's left is begging and pleading.