A Dog Explains Things People Don't Know About Dogs

Yes, I Really Do Have to Bark: I'll admit, I love letting loose with a good series of really loud barks, and who doesn't?  But that doesn't mean I can stop barking just because you don't like it or you're trying to watch a TV show.  You know when you have to cough, and no matter how hard to try to hold it back, it just comes out, like the cough is going to happen whether you want to or not?  That's how it is with barking.  Like an uncontrollable cough.  Only I do it at mailmen.  So lighten up.

I Understand a Lot More Than You Think I Do: There's a Gary Larson cartoon where a man is verbally abusing a dog named Rex, and all Rex hears is "Blah blah blah blah Rex blah blah blah blah Rex."  Well, that's real funny, Larson, yeah, but we're a lot smarter than you give us credit for.  For example, we can read you lame cartoon, you never knew that, did you?  That's right, we understand everything you're saying, except sometimes when you talk about what colors go together.  We really don't understand conversations like that.  The reason we don't seem to be paying attention is most of it doesn't have anything to do with us, and almost all of it is so boring.  But yes, we overheard that conversation about your in-laws.  So watch it.

Yes, I Really Do Have to Lick Myself Down There: You have no idea how much it itches sometimes.  You have no idea.

This Food You Give Me Sucks: You know those longing looks I give you when you're frying bacon or roasting a chicken?  Of course you do.  And you just laugh and say, "No human food for you, Zoe."  And then you give me shlopp out of a can and a handful of dry pellets from a bag.  For the love of God, if someone fed you that crap day after day after day, you'd be whining at the smell of chicken, too.