The Gospel According to Ted Cruz

For in those days the land was reigned over by Barack and the Lord was displeased.  And Barack ruled with a stern fist, and, lo, he chastised the people with whips, and when the whips didn't work, he chastised them with scorpions.  And he said unto the people, Thou shalt have insurance, even unto the least of you.  And the people cried out, and they said, We don't want any!  And Barrack spake unto them saying, It doesn't matter, for this is my decree.  And what of those who cannot afford insurance, cried the people.  Unto them it shall be given said Barack, and there was wailing and gnashing of teeth.

And the Lord stretched out his hand and spake unto Ted Cruz and said, Let there be a blight in the land and let the government be shut down for there is no money in the treasury for the people are unrighteous and their whining annoyeth me.  And the Lord spake also unto Mark Meadows and John Boehner, but mostly Ted Cruz, like I said.

And Mark Meadows and John Boehner and Ted Cruz cried out unto the Lord saying, but what about our salaries.  They shall be spared, said the Lord, but all else shalt thou shut down.

And, lo, it came to pass.  And the government was shut down, and many were those sent home without pay.  But those in the House and Senate received their pay as always.  And likewise did they also have insurance, because, hey.