Moe DaGrasse, renowned archaeologist and tanning-bed entrepreneur: Yep, this cross here, it's the real deal. No doubt about it. The very cross Jesus was nailed on, the Jeezter Himself, the Christ-oman, the Messiahster.
So how can we be so sure this is the real deal and not some phony? First of all, you got to examine the box it came in. The box says, in clear letters, "This here box contains the true original cross of Jesus H. Christ." You can't get much better proof than that, can you? I mean, if you got a box that says, "Big Mac," it's not gonna have a Wendy's Burger in it, is it? By the way, have you tried that new Wendy's burger with the bacon and the pretzel roll? Dee-lish.
Also, you got to examine the cross itself. We did that. I mean, what kind of world-renowned archaeologist wouldn't examine the cross. It says on it, right on the underside, "Palestine Hardware." Now, here's where expert knowledge comes into play, because I happen to know, those Roman soldiers went exclusively to Palestine Hardware for all their crucifixion lumber needs. We had the wood analyzed, and it's sturdy heart-of-pine. That's just the sort of wood you'd use if you had some major crucifying to do. I mean, you're not going to nail the Son of God onto balsa wood, it'd fall right over. You'd use heart of pine: sturdy, durable, easy-to-paint.
Also, and this is an exclusive cause we haven't told nobody else this, the cross wasn't the only thing in the box. There were other things. Like the bill for the last supper, and a the list of animals Noah took on the ark. You can see where he crossed out "unicorns" right between "umbrella birds" and "vampire bats." Also, we found a shaker of salt we think might have come directly from Lot's wife. We're not sure about that one yet. Could just be ordinary salt, you never can tell.
