Women are Better Than Men

"This species evidently lived exclusively on Fritos."

If I were a woman, I would so completely be a lesbian.  Having a wife would improve anybody's life, but who in their right mind would want a husband?  I know this is the twenty-first century, but who does all the laundry, all the dishes, all the shopping?  What do men do?  As far as I can make out, we drink milk straight from the jug and forget to put the seat down.

Nor is it just a matter of cleaning.  Women are more thoughtful than men.  They do the Christmas shopping, buy the birthday presents, know who's sick, who's pregnant, who's in jail.  If it's not on ESPN, men don't have a clue.

Think about it: you know all those polygamous marriages out in Utah, have you heard of even one where it was one woman and four husbands?  No.  It's always one weird old guy and four wives ranging for fourteen to forty.  And everyone's just as happy as clams.  That's because any marriage that decreases the ratio of husbands to wives makes life better for everyone.  Did any woman ever sit around thinking, "What I need is a few extra husbands"?

I think that's the real reason some people oppose gay marriage.  If women could marry each other, they'd pair off and there'd just be a bunch of men sitting around drinking milk from the jug and wondering why they didn't have any clean underwear.  Civilization would collapse, and the species would die out.  Aliens visiting our lifeless planet centuries later would discover two sets of domiciles.  One set would be immaculately clean with fossilized remains of fresh-cut flowers.  The other set would consist entirely of empty chip bags and piles of unwashed laundry.  "Why did these two species die out?" the aliens would wonder.  "Not war, surely, because there is no evidence they had any contact whatsoever."

And that would be the answer.