In other news, Tom Cruise said people shouldn't get too hung up worrying over Body Thetans displaced by the evil Galactic Dictator Xenu. "You can still be a good person without believing in Body Thetans," Cruise said. "The Body Thetan thing is more like just a metaphor."
In a nationwide televised speech, Kim Jong Un told the people of North Korea they didn't have to do everything he said. "When I issue an order," Kim said, "I want you to think of it more as a suggestion. Like a guideline. Now if it's something important, like we're invading America or something, I'll let you know. I'll say something like 'urgent.' Otherwise, just take what comes out of my mouth with a grain of salt. I do a lot of talking and half the time I'm not even listening to myself. So everyone should just chillax."
Yusuf Qaradawi, known for You Tube harangues to "conquer America" says you don't have to be a jihadist to find seventy-two virgins waiting for you in heaven. "There's lots of ways of serving Allah," Qaradawi said, "some people do it by unprovoked acts of terror, others by bringing meals to shut-ins or just being a good listener to someone going through a bad patch. You don't have to be Muslim; Christians and Jews have virgins waiting for them, too. Basically everybody gets seventy-two virgins. Unless you're a virgin yourself. Then I don't know what happens."
According to National Park Rangers, popular beliefs about bears' defecatory habits are greatly oversimplified. "The whole thing about doing it in the woods," reads a press statement, "yes, bears sometimes go in the woods if they're desperate and don't have time to get to a toilet, but then, who doesn't? Normally bears use public restrooms, but what they really prefer is a bidet."
