My Write-In Candidacy

The candidate in a heart-warming photo
with his wife and dog

It may be a little late, but bowing to the pressure of my advisers, I've decided, what the heck, I'm throwing my hat into the presidential ring.  Tomorrow, when you go to the polls, write in the name "Man Martin" for president.  If you voted early, well, you just feel like a chump, don't you?  Go back and tell them you've changed your mind, and maybe they'll give you another ballot.  (Parenthetically, why can't we do that anyway?  When we vote for someone, we should be given a receipt so we can return candidate later and get our vote back in case the guy turns out to be defective like with that so-called "male enhancement" crap I bought over the internet.)

Briefly then, here is my platform.

Deficit Spending is building up an enormous national debt that our grandchildren will have to pay for.  Thank goodness!  I thought we would have to pay for it!  I don't even have grandchildren.  Ha-ha.  So as far as I'm concerned, on the spending front, full steam ahead!  Free boob jobs and liposuction for everybody!

Our so-called foreign policy has gotten us into glutinous messes with hostile nations like Iraq and Afghanistan.  It is clearly short-sighted to invade hostile countries when invading friendly countries would have been so much easier and more lucrative.  Why don't we invade Canada, for crying out loud?  They're just sitting there!  Or Monaco?  Invading Monaco would require a troop surge of... well... one.

Global Warming.  Global Warming Schmobal Schmarming.  If the earth is getting hotter just crank up the AC full blast and leave all the windows open.  Problem solved.

I figure 49% of the American people are booger-eaters.  It's true.  49% of Americans regularly pick their own boogers and eat them.  They think we don't know.  These people will never vote for me, but I frankly, I don't want them to.  So if you vote for one of the other guys, you're basically admitting you eat boogers.

Think about it.