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| This is not an acceptable porch decoration |
PUMPKINS:
When it comes to pumpkins, you just about can't go wrong. You can buy a number of little pumpkins and huddle them together on the front stoop for the fashionable chi-chi look of a trendsetter. The pumpkins tell the neighbors, "I shop at Trader Joe's and call their wine 'Two Buck Chuck,' even though it costs a lot more than two bucks." You can buy a large pumpkin, and - if you choose - you can carve it, either the traditional snaggle-tooth Jack-o-lantern, or a whimsical tableau of witches and alley cats. Almost anything goes! If you don't want to carve it, you can even color on it with tempera paints or magic markers!
As versatile as pumpkins are, there are some things to keep in mind. For example, costuming a group of pumpkins to resemble a bloody murder-suicide crime scene is not appropriate. Second, if you do choose to carve your pumpkin, you must be sure to empty out all the seeds and pulp before displaying it. This is non-negotiable.
GOURDS and SQUASH:
Pretty much the same things apply as with pumpkins, with the addition that you must not employ crook-neck varieties to stage scenes of simulated sexual or phallic content.
INDIAN CORN:
Nailing Indian Corn to your front door makes a real statement. "I'm damned if I'll call it Native-American Corn, and I don't care you can't eat it, and I'm voting for Romney, and if you don't like it, you're probably just a victim!" There's nothing like the sight of piebald ears of corn to bring in the holiday spirit.
However, you have to get authentic Indian Corn. Silver Queen corn will not do, nor will Green Giant Frozen Corn on the Cob. You'll look silly even trying.
CUCUMBERS:
There is no such thing as decorative cucumbers. What the heck are you thinking?
