Old Testament for the Twenty-First Century

"You don't even know what chastising means," saith the Lord.

And in those days under the reign of OBAMA the people were stiff-necked, and the Lord chastised them.  "I chastised your fathers with mosquitoes," the Lord said, "and their fathers I chastised with scorpions, but you I shall chastise like I've never chastised before.  You're going to wish I'd chastised you with scorpions before I get through with you.  You're going to beg for scorpions.  You don't even know what chastising means until you see the chastisement I'm about to lay on you."
And so the Lord chastised them.
First came the falling of the STOCK MARKET.  And the 401Ks shrank until they were 201Ks, and in some cases 101Ks.
And when the STOCK MARKET fell, lo, HOME PRICES fell, too, and many in the land were upside down in their homes, which was very uncomfortable, and they said, "Lord, Lord, have mercy upon us, for we are upside-down in our homes," and the Lord said unto them, "Serves you right."
And the DAYS GREW HOTTER, and people stripped down, even unto their skivvies, and yet still could not get cool, and they said to one another, "This is only December."
And the PRICE OF GASOLINE.  Don't even get me started on the PRICE OF GASOLINE.
And the people were forced to DISROBE IN AIRPORT TERMINALS, even unto the removal of their shoes and belts, and one in ten was frisked by security even unto the nether parts.
And the COUNTRY WAS DIVIDED, and the people were beset by false prophets on the right, and on the left.  Some cried, "END FREE TRADE," some said, "END ENTITLEMENTS."  And others bore false witness, saying, "Look unto this one, for he has no birth certificate," or "Look unto that one, for he hath not paid his taxes."
Meanwhile were there A PLETHORA OF CHANNELS, yet nothing to watch.
And PIPELINES were constructed to bring TAR SAND OIL down from Canada, and lo, the leaders reassured the people saying, "We have already learned our lesson with the Exxon Valdez, the Odyssey Tanker, the Cyprus Haven, The Amoco Cadiz, the Castillo de Bellver, the ABT Summer, the Norwuz Oil Field, the Fergana Valley, the Atlantic Empress, the Ixtoc I Oil Well, and the Gulf Oil Spill.  This time nothing can go wrong."
And it came to pass that the people did indeed long for some good, old-fashioned scorpions.