February 29, THE STOOPID CONTEST!



This one's pretty tough, so you'll have to put on your thinking caps; can you name the early Robin Williams film represented by the cartoon below?  Send your guess, along with your name and address, to manmartin@manmartin.net One entry, chosen at random from the correct answers will receive an autographed copy of Paradise Dogs, hand delivered to your hovel or basement apartment by a PAID REPRESENTATIVE OF THE US GOVERNMENT.

A Tornado Hit the Concert Hall


The winner of last month's contest is Clay Mercer of Pinehurst, Georgia.  Clay says when his time comes to die, he wants to go peacefully in his sleep like his grandmother, not terrified and screaming like the passengers in her car.  Clay wins a copy of Endless Corvette.

"... and this one was removed from Angelina Jolie's left buttock."

"STAR WARTS"





February 27, Presidential Loser: William Jennings Bryan

William Jennings Bryan, 1896

Bryan's oratorical gifts easily won him the Democratic nomination over rival Richard, "Silver Dick," Bland. ¹ Again, the most pressing issue was whether America should stay on the Gold Standard.  Really.  People got het up about that in those days.  Republican candidate William McKinley was for the Gold Standard, and Democrat Bryan was against it.  What was at stake was how much currency would be in circulation.  Bimetalism meant more currency - ie, easier access to dough - which would benefit farmers.  Sticking to gold meant lower inflation and a sounder dollar which was good for the Big-Money Interests.  In this go-round, the Big Money Interests won out.  Thank goodness.  Bryan had grown up Baptist, Methodist, and Presbyterian, so he'd swallowed three times  the recommended dosage of religion.  Historians agree Bryan was an upright, deeply moral man of profound ethical convictions, which is the sort of thing that's bound to get you in trouble sooner or later.  He swore he would not allow America to be "crucified on a cross of gold."  As far as I know, we never were, so he ultimately won that go-round even though he didn't win the election. 

Result

William McKinley: 271

William Jennings Bryan: 176

1. He got his nickname because of his support for silver coinage, at least I hope that was the reason.

February 26 Presidential Losers: Benjamin Harrison and James Weaver

Benjamin Harrison and James Weaver, 1892 





Benjamin Harrison



James Weaver³



If the antepenultimate ¹election of the 19^th Century had been about who had the best beard, Grover Cleveland wouldn’t have stood a chance.  The two losers Harrison and Weaver could have modeled for the Smith Brothers Cough Drops label.  You wonder how their wives could find them under all that shrubbery.  The big issue in the campaign was monetary policy.  Cleveland wanted to keep us on the gold standard, whereas Harrison (Republican) and Weaver (Populist) both favored bi-metalism: basing the currency on gold and silver.  What a bunch of dummies.  As if any of that mattered.  The American dollar hasn’t been based on any metal for decades and just look how good we’re doing.  Another novelty in the election was Wyoming, where those wild and wooly ruffians – if you know anything about the people of Wyoming, you don’t need me to tell you how cuckoo-crazy they are – actually allowed women to vote.  (New Jersey’s original constitution had allowed women to vote, but the right had been rescinded in 1807.) ²  But Wyoming’s three electoral votes for Harrison couldn’t change the outcome of the election, and Cleveland swept into his second non-consecutive term as president.

Result

Grover Cleveland: 277

Benjamin Harrison: 145

James Weaver: 22

1. Look it up.

2. The men must've outnumbered the women that year.

3. Or maybe he's Benjamin Harrison.  I can't tell them apart, can you?

February 25 Presidential Losers: Grover Cleveland

Grover Cleveland, 1888

In 1888, Grover Cleveland was a newlywed, which has nothing to do with the election one way or the other, but is so interesting a situation, I record it here.  The only president ever to have a wedding in the White House, he married Frances Folsom, twenty-seven years his junior, the daughter of his close friend Oscar Folsom.  Folsom died when Frances was 11, and Cleveland had been appointed executor of the estate and overseen her education.  (Don't get creeped out; they didn't start dating then.)  It gets just a little bit weirder still.  Cleveland’s presumed first child had been born out of wedlock 1874 to Maria Crofts Halpin, but Cleveland’s supporters maintained that he might not have been the father; Ms Halpin was doing the mattress dance with more than one man during this period, but that as the only bachelor, Cleveland had magnanimously assumed responsibility.  The child wasn't named, like, Grover Halpin Cleveland, Jr. or somehting, but Oscar Folsom Cleveland. ¹  Did I mention that one of Halpin’s other dance partners was Oscar Folsom?
Cleveland’s second run at the presidency did not go as well as his first, but it was certainly just as entertaining.  In addition to having fathered a child out of wedlock, Cleveland, it transpired, had avoided military service during the Civil War by paying, George Benninsky, a Polish immigrant, $150  to take his place. ²  It didn’t help matters that Cleveland was running against a bona-fide Civil War hero, Benjamin Harrison, who’d commanded a brigade at the Battle of Atlanta.  Maybe it would have looked better if Benninsky had distinguished himself in battle, but he suffered a back injury shortly after enlisting, and spent the war on the sidelines. This wasn't Cleveland's fault that he'd hired a dud.  Certainly Cleveland had already demonstrated sufficient patriotism in the first place by shelling out $150.   Cleveland won the popular vote, but lost the Electoral College by a wide margin, in part thanks to the Tammany Hall Machine that took New York from him.  But Frances Cleveland, at any rate, was unfazed.  As she left the White House, she said, "Now, Jerry, I want you to take good care of all the furniture and ornaments in the house, for I want to find everything just as it is now, when we come back again four years from today."

Result

Benjamin Harrison: 233

Grover Cleveland: 168

1. It's uncertain what became of this child.  Some maintain that he died of alcoholism, others that he became a lawyer.  So either way, he came to a bad end.

2. These days we just join the National Guard.

February 24 Presidential Losers: James Blaine

James Blaine, 1884

Early on it seemed Blaine was the man to beat: the Republican candidate after a quarter century of Republican administrations, former Speaker of the House, former presidential nominee, and known as the “Magnetic Man” for his personal charisma and charm. ¹ His other nickname was “the Plumed Knight,” which is very flattering but shows Republicans weren’t that good at coming up with nicknames.  On top of all this, the Republicans' Christmas wish was granted when it transpired Democratic Candidate Grover Cleveland had fathered an illegitimate child who’d been sent to an orphanage while the mother had gone to an asylum.  Outraged at this calumny, Cleveland hotly denied that the mother had gone to an asylum.  A popular anti-Cleveland rhyme went, “Ma, ma, where’s my pa?”  This changed after the election to, “Gone to the White House, ha-ha-ha,” when letters surfaced revealing Blaine was on the receiving end big-time of graft from the Union Pacific Railroad and others.  (These were called "The Mulligan Letters," which is a very cool nickname.)  One of the incriminating letters actually ended with the instructions “Burn this letter,” which makes you wonder just how big a chump Blaine was.  If a letter confirming you’re taking bribes tells you to burn it, you damn well burn it and don’t shilly-shally; the words “burn it” should be sufficient to any reasonably cautious person, and you don’t need to add, “or else this letter may come to light exactly when it will do you the most damage and you’ll lose a national election to a fornicator and go down in disgrace.”  Additionally, some unfortunate anti-Catholic remarks by a Protestant Blaine supporter helped throw New York into the Cleveland camp.  That’s the way it is with bigotry; you can’t go around despising people just because of their religion, but only when it’s politically effective.

Result

Grover Cleveland: 219

James Blaine: 182

1. Or else for the tendency of nails, paperclips, and iron shavings to cling to his skin.

February 23 Presidential Losers: Winfield Scott Hancock

Winfield Scott Hancock, 1880

An election without notable voting fraud or character assassination. How dull.
The Democrats nominated Winfield Scott Hancock (named for former Presidential Loser, General Winfield “Old Fuss and Feathers” Scott.) This Winfield, although his political ideas seemed somewhat fuzzy, was an authentic war hero, who’d taken a decisive roll in Gettysburg. His nickname was “Hancock the Superb,” and even his enemies called him “The Thunder of the Potomac.” Republican candidate Garfield must’ve been cursing his luck to be running against such a matinee idol. Scott did a lot more for the country than shoot Confederates; he was also responsible for shooting Confederate spies – it was he that oversaw the execution of John Wilkes Booth’s co-conspirators, including boarding-house operator Mary Surrat. ¹ After overseeing Reconstruction in Texas and Louisiana, where he won the gratitude of the population by relatively lenient policies, he was shipped out west to the Department of the Dakota, where he provided a military escort for an expedition of the Yellowstone Region, contributing to the ultimate creation of the park. (This guy just gets better and better, doesn’t he?) His relationships with the Indians were higgledy-piggledy; everything would be going along swimmingly for a while, and then some Union soldiers would massacre some Blackfoot or burn a village or some white settlers would steal some land, and the Indians would decide to take offense. In spite of Hancock’s impressive resume, a strong economy helped put Garfield in the White House, marking twenty-four years of consecutive Republican administrations, but the margin was thinner than a supermodel’s waist: although the electoral vote was decisive, Garfield squeaked by with a popular vote majority of less than 2000 votes.

The Result

James Garfield: 214

Winfield Scott Hancock: 155

1. Hancock felt some qualms about shooting a defenseless woman, but it's not as if the men he executed could defend themselves either. Their hands were tied behind their backs.

February 22 Presidential Losers: Samuel Tilden

Samuel Tilden, 1876

The fireworks in the centenial campaign began early with a vigorous debate on the issues and a free exchange of ideas.  Democrats said Rutherford Hayes stole the salaries of dead Union soldiers and had shot his own mother.  Republicans remarked that Tilden was a pathological liar and alcoholic with a case of syphilis.  But the real fun came after the voting.  Tilden won the popular vote, and also had 184 electoral votes to Hayes’ 165.  Twenty electoral votes remained contested: the votes from Florida, South Carolina, and Louisiana, and one vote in Oregon.  In spite of the fact that Tilden was a “reform” candidate, it seems both parties were in a race to out-steal the election.  Republicans carped that Democrats had intimidated voters, kept blacks from voting, and tricked illiterate Republicans by giving them Democratic ballots printed with pictures of Abraham Lincoln.  In Florida, Republicans claimed a 922-vote victory, whereas Democrats claimed they'd won by a margin of 94; however, accurate counting was impossible because some of the ballots had been smeared with ink. ¹ Congress established a 15-man electoral commission made up of representatives, senators, and Supreme Court justices. There were seven Democrats, seven Republicans, and one independent, Justice David Davis.   A plan by Tilden’s nephew to elect Davis to the U.S. Senate and thereby sway his vote backfired when Davis recused himself and was replaced by a Republican.  The result was a compromise in which Rutherford Hayes, affectionately know as Rutherfraud ever after, became president and in return, granted the desire of southerners who felt they’d been quite reconstructed enough, thank you, and could do without the greed, violence, and corruption of a Yankee power structure, having in place a Southern white power structure capable of providing enough greed, violence, and corruption to last a century.

Result

Rutherford Hayes: 185

Samuel Tilden: 184

1. Sound familiar?

February 21, Presidential Losers: Horace Greeley

Horace Greeley, 1868

After the narrowly-won election in 1864, Republicans began rolling up their sleeves to battle the Democratic ticket in 1868.   When they saw it was Horace Greeley and Benjamin Gratz Brown, they rolled their sleeves back down again.  “Gratz,” as his pals called him, was something of a drinker, and during a campaign picnic, became so inebriated, he attempted to butter a watermelon. ¹ A newspaperman and editor, Greeley had published works by Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels, and dabbled in phrenology and Fourierism – a utopian belief that one day seas would turn to lemonade and the North Pole would be as balmy as the Mediterranean.²  As if these ideas weren’t nutty enough, he also thought women should have the right to vote.  Speaking of women’s suffrage, (“So suffer!” advised their opponents.) a third candidate, not pictured, was Victoria Woodhull who satisfied all the most paranoid miscegenation nightmares of unreconstructed southerners by selecting former slave Frederick Douglass as her running mate.  Woodhull’s candidacy was illegal, however, not because she was a woman, but because she was only 34 years old.  (While the Constitution mandated women couldn’t vote, it didn’t say they couldn’t run.)  Meanwhile, vigilant law-abiding citizens arrested women who tried to vote, and Woodhull herself spent election night in jail for “indecency.” ³ Incumbent Grant ran on a solid record of graft, cronyism, and service to special interests; meanwhile, Greeley added to the surrealism of the entire election by dropping dead before the electors from any of the states he did win had cast their votes, so although he lost soundly, he fared better than any posthumous candidate before or since.  Nevertheless, his demise left many questions unanswered, specifically – what was with that beard?  I swear, it seems to be growing out of his collar.

Result

Ulysses S Grant: 286

Horace Greeley: 66

1.Unsuccessfully.

2. OK, so he was half right.

3. Her principles were showing.

February 20, Presidential Losers: Horatio Seymour

Horatio Seymour, 1868

Following the Civil War everyone seemed to be in a grumpy mood; it was like the whole nation woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  Ulysses S Grant, who neither sought the nomination nor made any effort to campaign, had nevertheless outlined a detailed post-war policy which ran thus: “Let us have peace.” ¹ This seemed to make good sense, but Democrats weren’t having it.  During the campaign, Republicans stuck to important issues of the election, pointing out that Seymour’s father had committed suicide and therefore it was a sure thing Seymour himself was a loony, and you’d better vote for Grant unless you wanted a nut-job picking flowers off the wallpaper in the Oval Office.  (The beard alone is enough to make you doubt his sanity.  What was he thinking?)  In spite of these soundly reasoned arguments, and having several southern states in the hands of Radical Republicans who’d jolly well make sure the votes went for Grant, and the fact that Texas, Mississippi, and Virginia had not been readmitted to the Union, and so couldn’t vote at all, the popular vote was alarmingly close as far as Republicans were concerned: 3,013,650 for Grant, and 2,708,744 for Seymour.  What’s worse, Seymour won New York, which the Republicans never saw coming.  Had women been allowed to vote, Seymour might well have been president instead of Grant. ² After this, Republican campaign managers learned their lesson and concentrated less on personal attacks in future elections, sticking to tried-and-true method of voter fraud.

Result

Ulysses S Grant: 214

Horatio Seymour: 80

1. Supporters loved pointing out Grant's initials were "US."  They were also "UG."

2. In the assault of Cold Harbor alone, casualities were 52,000 Union Soldiers and 37,000 Confederates, meaning a potiental 89,000 widows champing at the bit to vote Democrat.

February 19, Presidential Losers: George McClellan

George McClellan, 1864



George McClellan¹

 Disaffected with the Civil War, which wasn't turning out to be as much fun as everyone had hoped, Democrats nominated George McClellan as an anti-war alternative, an odd thing since George was former General in Chief of the Union Army.  On the other hand, as generals go, his military record was an ideal one for a peace candidate.  Lincoln once asked politely if could borrow the army for a while since George didn't seem to be using it.  So angered was Congress with George's tardiness in dealing with Confederates camped within spitting distance of DC, they called him to testify and justify his actions, or lack thereof.  George, however, had a doctor's note explaining he was sick and couldn't attend.
George had little chance of winning the election because most of the states that would have voted against Lincoln were in the Confederacy anyway and couldn't vote, and Union soldiers, in a touching display of patriotism and voter fraud, intimidated potential Democrats at the polls, voted in states where they were not registered, and, in extreme cases, rose from the dead to cast their ballots for the Great Emancipator.  The outcome proved George McClellan every bit as effective a presidential candidate as he had been a general.

Result

Abraham Lincoln: 212

George McClellan: 21

1. If I may be permitted to add a footnote to a picture, I have often been struck by the peculiar fashion among military men for posing with one hand stuck in their jackets.  I can only account for it by thinking it saved early portraitists the difficulty of painting fingers.

February 18: Presidential Losers: John Breckinridge, John Bell, Stephen Douglas

John Breckinridge, John Bell, Stephen Douglas: 1860



John Bell



John Breckinridge



In the election of 1860 tensions were high.  It was pretty evident the southern states were ready to split from the Union, and whoever was elected president would have a bloody, protracted Civil War on his hands.  Naturally, everyone wanted a piece of that.  There were not two, but four, major presidential candidates, if we count Abraham Lincoln.  You might say Lincoln was not a nationally recognized candidate because his name didn’t even appear on the southern ballots. ¹  Nevertheless, it was evident that Lincoln was the man to beat, and a lively good-natured smear campaign was directed against him, particularly for his folksy ways and “slang-whanging stump speaker style.” ² Political cartoonists with rapier-like wit made the cognoscenti ponder deeply about the consequences of a Republican White House with pictures of thick-licked black men kissing white women while Lincoln looked on, unconcerned. ³



Stephen Douglas

The most memorable of the also-rans was fourth-place finisher, Stephen Douglas – also known as “The Little Giant” ⁴ – who introduced a new wrinkle into presidential campaigns by actually campaigning. While Lincoln and the others stayed put, Douglas set off to “visit his mother;” the trip from New York City where Douglas lived to upstate New York where Momma lived, somehow took him through New England, Pennsylvania, and Maryland.  Then he had to go see his lawyer, which took him through lengthy detours in the south.  In spite of all his efforts, the electoral votes in the more-populous free states gave Lincoln a comfortable majority.

The Result

Abraham Lincoln: 180

John Breckenridge: 72

John Bell: 39

Stephen Douglas: 12

1. He probably wouldn't have gotten many votes down there anyways.

2. For a sample of what his enemies were referring to, consider these lines from the Gettysburg Address: "It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth." (Whang that slang, Abe!)

3. Actually the white girls in the pictures didn't seem too bothered by it either.

4. By this logic, Lincoln was a Very Tall Dwarf.

February 17 Presidential Losers: John Freemont and Millard Fillmore

John Freemont and Millard Filmore, 1860





Millard Filmore

John Freemont

In the 1860 election, slavery was the driving issue. There were three camps: for it, against it, and don’t care. The “for it” candidate, Democrat James Buchanan, was destined to win, while the “against-it” candidate, Republican John Freemont would lose. Democrats said having a Republican in the White House would result in a civil war. The next election brought both. The third party, and my personal favorite, was the Know-Nothings, headed by former president Millard Fillmore, which is the coolest and most honest name for any political party ever. Why can’t we have more of that? The Dumb-Ass Party, for example, or the Lying-Thieving-Crooks-Who’d-Sell-Their-Own-Mother-for-a-Vote-Party. The Know-Nothings took no stand on slavery whatsoever, instead turning their attention to more pressing matters. Specifically, they didn’t want to let in any more Catholics, Irish, Germans, and various other European riff-raff. The Know-Nothings were proud Americans descended from Germans, Irish, and various European riff-raff. They also called themselves “The Native American Party” which sounds like they’d have let in a bunch of Indians, which in itself would’ve made sense, because the Indians would have had a lot to say about the folly of unchecked immigration. Unfortunately for the Know-Nothings, the Indians were all in the Oklahoma Territory by this time, and couldn’t vote anyway. In any case, the Know-Nothings became so popular that soon you could buy Know-Nothing candy, Know-Nothing tea, and Know-Nothing toothpicks, which serious Know-Nothings deplored. “The party used to mean something, man! It wasn't always about making money, it used to be about the bigotry!” The Know-Nothings didn’t change the outcome of the election, though, and the Democrats handily took the White House.

The Result

James Buchanan: 174

John Freemont: 114
Millard Fillmore: 8

February 16 Presidential Losers: Winfield Scott

Winfield Scott, 1852

The Whigs and the Democrats had virtually no differences in their political platform, but the Whigs had the snappier dresser in Winfield “Old Fuss and Feathers” Scott, a hero of the Mexican American War, a man of Spartan temperament known for rising at the crack of 6 PM for “a hasty bowl of soup.”  During a forty-seven year career in the military, Winfield had his high points and low points.  A low point was being captured by the British in the War of 1812.  Another low point was supervising the Indian Removal from Georgia – that’s was they called it, the Indian Removal.  It wasn’t until later someone thought to call it the Trail of Tears, which is a catchier name.  Scott’s conscience troubled him about the removal, but he had to follow the orders he’d been given; he’d only been in the army thirty years by that point, and was still seventeen years away from retirement.  The high point was capturing Mexico City, but like every sweet moment, this was soured by the slight tang of defeat.  The same year as the victorious Mexican Campaign, Scott was defeated in chess by an eight-year-old chess prodigy.  Such was Scott’s life: some laughter, some tears.  Scott did pretty much the same thing for the Whig Party he’d done for the Mexicans: after 1852, the party split, some joining the Democrats, and some forming the Republican party.

Result

Franklin Pierce: 254 

Winfield Scott: 42

February 15 Presidential Losers: Lewis Cass and Martin van Buren

Lewis Cass and Martin van Buren, 1848



Lewis Cass



Martin van Buren

 In 1848, Zachary Taylor was going to be a tough man to beat.  In his own lifetime, he was compared to George Washington and Andrew Jackson, but the truth is, in terms of total yardage gained, his stats were better than those two combined.  He soundly defeated Santa Anna and his Mexican army, driving them out of Texas once and for all.  These days if Mexicans want to visit Palo Alto and Resaca de la Palma, they can get a green card or sneak in across the river the way God intended.  Anyway.  Remaining opposition divided on the slavery issue.  Anti-slavery Democrats didn’t trust Cass and split to form the Free Soil Party, nominating former Presidential Loser and Wizard-of-Oz look-alike, Martin van Buren.  The division didn’t do much to split the vote, however.  War-Hero Taylor won handily with 163 electoral votes to Cass’ 127, and van Buren received – drum roll – ZERO!  That’s right, no electoral votes whatsoever, making him the precise opposite of George Washington who was elected by unanimous acclamation, van Buren was rejected by unanimous acclamation.

Result

Zachary Taylor: 163

Lewis Cass: 127

Martin van Buren: 0

February 14 Presidential Losers: Henry Clay

Presidential Loser #18 Henry Clay, 1844

In the 1848 election, the hot button issue was the annexation of Texas. Some anti-slavery folks were concerned this would increase the number and power of the slave states, but Democratic candidate James Polk said, in effect, “No worries. We’ll take over Oregon, too, and make that a free state.” Even Clay, who was had been formerly against annexing Texas, had to twist his toe in the dirt, and say, alright, maybe we could annex Texas so long as it didn’t mean a war or cost too much. Polk’s platform of territorial expansion would come to be known as Manifest Destiny. The “Destiny” part meant that United States was destined to keep on taking land until it reached the Pacific Ocean. The “Manifest” part meant, “Just watch us do it.” That we were destined to take all the land occupied only by the Indians and Spanish (and some French) is incontrovertible by the fact we did do it, so Manifest Destiny turns out to have been a pretty sound theory after all. It operates on the same principle as if I’m sitting next to a big ol’ slice of strawberry cheesecake, and no one’s there to stop me, it’s Manifest Destiny sooner or later I’m going to eat it. One other candidate (not pictured) was Joseph Smith, governor of Nauvoo, Illinois and founder of the Mormon Church. Smith’s campaign was somewhat hampered by the fact he was in jail at the time; that and the fact he was assassinated before the election, effectively prevented his candidacy from getting off the ground. In the end, although the popular vote was a lot closer, the former dark horse James Polk easily crossed the finish line first in electoral votes.

Result

James K Polk: 170

Henry Clay: 105

February 13 Presidential Losers: Martin van Buren

Presidential Loser #17 Martin van Buren, 1840

The election of 1840 was a real thrill ride, crazy-zany, cuckoo mess.  Okay, actually it was boring as hell.  Martin van Buren was electoral toast after the Panic of 1837 when 342 banks failed resulting in a wide-spread financial collapse.  (Sound familiar?)  It’s kind of a shame we don’t call these things “panics” any more – it adds a little zest and glamour to economics.  Back in the old days they had panics all the time.  It was like, “What do you want to do today?” and someone would say, “Let’s have a bank panic.”  They had a panic in 1819, 1857, and 1873.  Those worked out so well, they went and had panics in 1884, 1890, and 1893.  Then again in 1896, 1901, and 1907.  Then in 1911.  Then we stopped having panics and instead had the Great Depression.  See what I mean?  Which do you think sounds more entertaining?  A Panic sounds like you’d be running around hollering and waving your arms.  Depression sounds like you’re lying on the couch watching a chick-flick marathon and eating cookie-dough ice cream. The big sensation of the election was Harrison’s campaign song “Tippecanoe and Tyler too,” which admittedly has a toe-tapping feel.  The lyrics in part ran, “we'll beat little Van, Van, Van, Van is a used up man.”  The van Buren camp went negative, calling Harrison “granny” and suggesting he was ready to retire to a log cabin and drink cider.  Big whoop.  It’s not like van Buren was Mr Stud-Muffin.  Look at the picture, he looks like an understudy to play the Wizard of Oz.  Back in the days of Jefferson and Adams there was real character assassination, and not just character assassination either, actual assassination: Aaron Burr shot Alexander Hamilton, for crying out loud.  I guess people were just more patriotic in those days.

Result

William Henry Harrison: 234

Martin van Buren: 60

February 28 Presidential Loser: William Jennings Bryan

William Jennings Bryan, 1900

A rematch of the 1896 election between McKinley and Bryan, only Bryan didn't do quite so well as the first time, partly because the economy was going like gang-busters and partly because the Spanish-American war had been such a hoot.  (Bryan did have some competition for the Democratic nomination in the form of the war hero Admiral Dewey.  Dewey promised that as president he would be as diligent in following the orders of Congress as he had been at obeying his superiors in the navy.  For some reason, this statement did not win him widespread support.)  The Spanish-American War was bravely entered by Americans determined to free innocent Cuba from the tyrannical boot of the Spanish Empire.  All this took only four months.  Bryan protested vociferously against the war, but that was just plain sour grapes.  Teddy Roosevelt, who became McKinley's running mate, said it was "a splendid little war," and that's just what it was.¹ This was a wonderful patriotic war and had nothing at all to do with controling Cuba's sugar market or grabbing up Guam, the Phillipines, and Puerto Rico.  Afterwards, Cuba was governered by Major General Leonard Wood which just goes to show how even a boy growing up in humble New Hampshire can aspire one day to rule the Free Independent Republic of Cuba.

Result

William McKinley: 292

William Jennings Bryan: 155

1. By the way, Bryan's running mate was Adlai Stevenson, grandfather of future presidential loser Adlai Stevenson and great-grandfather of Senator Adlai Stevenson.  There really ought to be rules against that sort of thing: John Adams and John Quincy Adams, George Bush and George W Bush - it just muddles things up.  If you want to be president, they should make you change your name to something so off-the-wall, it will never show up again, like Farnsworth E Pinkdoodle or Barack Obama.

February 12 Presidential Losers: William Henry Harrison and Hugh Lawson White

William Henry Harrison and Hugh Lawson White, 1836



William Henry Harrison



Hugh Lawson White



In 1836, Andrew Jackson, deciding not to seek a third term, gave his support to Martin van Buren.  Republicans, disaffected Democrats, rag-ends of the Federalist Party, and a few hold-outs from the Anti-Masonic Party formed a coalition party, the Whigs.  The problem with the Whig coalition is it never really coalesced, and they wound up with not one, but two presidential candidates: William Henry Harrison and Hugh Lawson White.  If it had been tag-team wrestling, the Whigs would have whipped some serious booty; unfortunately, it was a presidential race, so they only wound up splitting what support they had.  Hugh Lawson White was a former judge and career politician known for his firm and steadfast principles.  (BOR-ing!)  But Harrison was a man of action and daring-do, a man’s man, no matter how sissy he might look in the picture, an old Indian fighter (the new Indians were too tough) who had won himself the nickname of Tippecanoe after a decisive battle of the same name.  He’d gone to fight the fierce Indian warrior Tecumseh, and when he couldn’t locate him, he fought Tecumseh’s medicine man.  Whipped him, too.  Then he went and burned a deserted Indian village.  For this, the American people loved him.  Just not as much as Martin van Buren. ¹

Result

Martin Van Buren: 170

William Henry Harrison: 73

Hugh Lawson White: 26

1. Harrison got his chance in the next go-round, when he beat van Buren.  Determined to show he was as vigorous and manly as he'd been in his Indian-fighter days, he read his inaugural address in the rain, refusing to wear a hat or hold an umbrella.  The speech had been edited by Harrison's pal Daniel Webster, but it hadn't been edited near enough: it was four hours long.  Harrison set two records: longest inaugural address and shortest time in office.  Sometimes it turns out that whatever doesn't kill you makes you weaker and then you die later from complications.  Thus it was for Harrison, who died within a month of taking office.

February 11 Presidential Losers: Henry Clay and William Wirt

Presidential Losers #13 and 14: Henry Clay and William Wirt, 1832



Henry Clay





William Wirt

Henry Clay, who’d been walloped by Andrew Jackson in a four-way race back in ’24, came back for another try in spite of the fact Jackson’s popularity had only increased during his presidency; the Indian Removal Act proved to be a huge success that exceeded everyone’s expectations.  If you ever want to be reelected as president, a good way to do it is take a bunch of land from people who can’t vote and give it to people who can.  The Trail of Tears was not all bad – Jackson was fond of pointing out in speeches that the government was undertaking the removal at its own expense; it wasn’t as if the Cherokee had to pay to leave.  You have to wonder what Clay was thinking to run against such a visionary and magnanimous chief executive.  The third party in the race was the Anti-Masonic Party, which in my personal opinion is really cool.  I think it’s great to have a party whose sole purpose is to be against a men’s philanthropic organization.  Why can’t we have an Anti-Rotary Club Party, too, and an Anti-Elks Club Party?  Anyway, the Anti-Masons were fed up with those damn red fezzes and those secret handshakes and what-not, and weren’t going to take it any more.  (There had also been a small matter of possible homicide when a Mason threatened to reveal his lodge’s secrets, but I think it was mostly a matter of the red fezzes, like I said.)  The Anti-Masonic candidate was William Wirt, who himself was a Mason, which indicates a certain amount of confusion on the part of the nominating committee.  Apparently, during his acceptance speech, William Wirt praised the good work of the Masons, which perhaps explains why his party didn’t do better than it did.  If you’re going to take a stand, by golly, take it – don’t shilly-shally.  Where would Andrew Jackson have gotten if sometimes he’d been for Indian rights and sometimes against them?  No, he had his principles and he stuck to them.¹

Result

Andrew Jackson: 219

Henry Clay: 49

William Wirt: 7

1. William Wirt's tomb was later robbed, and the skull sold to a private collector.  The skull was eventually returned, though.  It could be identified because the purchaser had written "William Wirt" on it in gold letters.

February 10 Presidential Losers: John Quincy Adams

John Quincy Adams, 1828

In the rematch against Jackson, the Siamese Twin Party of the Democratic-Republicans finally split into the Democrats (Andrew Jackson) and the Republicans (John Quincy Adams). The odds against John Quincy were long from the start; he’d only gotten into the White House on the last go-round thanks to the support of Henry Clay, speaker of the House and fourth-place finisher in the race of 1824. Andrew Jackson was often underestimated by his opponents who thought his only significant accomplishment was killing some British in the Battle of New Orleans, but in fact, he also later killed a good number of Seminole Indians. Many important issues were raised during the campaign of pressing national interest. For example, it came to light that John Quincy Adams had used public funds to install gambling equipment in the White House, specifically a chess set and pool table, which caused many people to question the judgment of a man they had so admired. Andrew Jackson had troubles of his own. It turned out, his wife Rachel, whom he’d thought was divorced, was not really completely divorced, and so he’d had to remarry her. Also, Jackson had a habit of getting into duels, which made some people wonder if he was really the right timber for the presidency. Aaron Burr, the vice president under John Quincy’s dad, had been in a duel as well, but it wasn’t the same thing really. Dueling is like playing chess, it’s acceptable once in a while, but you don’t want to make a habit of it. The Republicans, with the razor-sharp wit that has been their signature ever since, called Jackson a “Jack-ass” (Get it? Jackson/Jack-ass? Ha-ha-ha! That just slays me!) and in the fullness of time, the jackass became the official symbol of the Democratic Party. (Take that, you liberals!) The Democrats, unable to come up with a riposte as devastatingly apt as jackass Jackson, just called John Quincy an ass. In the end though, there was no doubt whose ass got paddled.

The Results

Andrew Jackson: 178

John Quincy Adams: 83

February 9 Presidential Losers

Andrew Jackson, William Crawford, Henry Clay 1824

Andrew Jackson



William Crawford

 After the Era of Good Feelings, an Era of Bad Feelings naturally ensued.  No one called it that, but that’s what it was, and it was pretty much inevitable.  If you name something the Era of Good Feelings, you’re just asking for trouble.  It’s like saying, “This is the Era of My Girlfriend Not Breaking Up With Me,” or “This is the Era Before Cockroaches Take Over the Earth.”  Anyway.  The Democratic-Republicans hadn’t been out of office since Jefferson, and so after all that unity, the party finally split into four.  The official caucus nominated William Crawford, but a lot of people were put out by this and felt they hadn’t gotten as say-so.  The next thing you know, everybody and his brother was running for president. ¹

Henry Clay

The Federalists, if there were any of them left around, must’ve been saying, “I told you so!  This is what happens when you go around admitting states left and right!”  Two of the candidates were from Tennessee and Kentucky, which as far as a lot of people were concerned scarcely counted as real places, let alone states.  Because the vote was split four ways, nobody got a clear majority, so it was left to the House of Representatives to decide the election between the three front-runners.  Jackson had won the most electoral votes, but Henry Clay – who’d come in fourth, and just so happened to be speaker of the House – threw his support to Adams, and so J Q became the second president from Massachusetts, as well as the second Adams.  John Adams, the elder, who was still alive and kicking - or alive at any rate - must've felt so proud to see his son ascend to the White House with a whopping 31% of the electoral vote.  Naturally, there were accusations of fraud, and that Adams had paid Clay off, but this is raw calumny.  Clay hated Jackson anyways, and once said, “I cannot believe that killing 2,500 Englishmen at New Orleans qualifies for the various, difficult, and complicated duties of the Chief Magistracy.” ²  

The Results

John Quincy Adams: 84

Andrew Jackson: 99

William Crawford: 41

Henry Clay: 37

^{1. Actually, this is hyperbole.  The brother wasn't running.}

^{2. In fact, Jackson was far less qualified than even Clay suspected.  A mere 365 British were confirmed killed in the Battle of New Orleans.  As a point of reference, George Washington, whom everyone agreed was extremely qualified, killed 1,505 British in Boston alone.}