Zeus. Before Zeus was even born, his father Cronus had already swallowed Zeus’ three older siblings. To save him from this fate, his mother Gaeia hid him in a secret cave with a she-goat who nursed him. 1 To Cronus she gave a large rock to swallow, claiming it was Zeus. 2 Zeus grew to manhood or possibly godhood, returning to cut open Cronus’ belly and free his sister and brothers. Gaeia offered to become Zeus’ consort which was the Greek term for "friend with benefits," but Zeus said for a god to lay with his mother was indecent. So instead he married his sister Hera. With his two brothers, he divided up the rest of the universe, giving the sea to Poseidon, the underworld to Hades, and keeping the rest for himself. 3 Once, after making love with Hera, Zeus began complaining of a terrible headache; it was so excruciating, he begged one of the other gods to split his skull open with an ax. When this was done, out popped his daughter Athena, fully grown and wearing a suit of armor. 4 Somewhere around this time Zeus began fooling around with other women. Zeus’ MO was to sidle up to a comely lass in the guise of a bull, or thundercloud, or possibly swan. If one guise didn’t work, he’d try another. He didn’t need pick-up lines because he was Zeus. Then the girl would give birth to a hero. One woman gave birth to Hercules, another laid an egg. With Zeus, you never knew what you’d get, and that was part of the fun. Of course, these days we no longer believe God goes around getting women pregnant. We’re Christian.
1. That she-goat has got to be symbolic of something, but I can't imagine what.
2. Did I mention Cronus wasn't the brightest guy on the block?
3. Notice who got all the good stuff.
4. You'd have a headache, too.
