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Thursday, October 15, 2015

Fifty Shades of Black and Blue (A Sex Novel for the Rest of Us)

Not having read Fifty Shades of Grey (No really, I haven't) I speak without knowledge, but to my understanding, the success of the book has to do with its BDSM Content (Bondage, Discipline, and Sado-Mascochism.)  Now, Nancy and I have never used any waffle-irons, clothes-pins, needle-nose pliers, or whatever devices adventurous couples wield against each other in the pursuit of sexual fulfillment, but when it comes to causing pain in the bedroom, we've never needed to.  We hurt each other plenty with just the elbows, knees, skulls, and shins God gave us.  The following would be a transcript for an alternative erotic or eratic novel based on my and Nancy's sex life.  In the following dialogue, I will omit the description of actual mechanical activity involved feeling this is best left to the readers' imagination.

Nancy: Jesus, oh, Jesus...

Man: Am I turning you on, sweet darlin'.

Nancy: No, Jesus - what's that smell?  Did something die in here?

Man: Sorry, that's me.  I had the rest of the split pea soup for lunch.

Nancy: Jesus.  Open the window or something.  Turn on the fan.  I thought the dog was doing it.

(A few minutes later.)

Nancy: Mmm.

Man: Ow, ow, ow!

Nancy: What's wrong?

Man: Foot spasm!  Ow, ow!

Nancy: Oof!  You just kneed me in the belly!

Man: Ow! Sorry!  Foot spasm!  (Falls off bed.  Sound of lamp crashing.  Dog leaves room.)

Nancy: Are you okay?  (Getting out of bed.)  Yow!  (Shrieks)  Broken glass!

(Assorted bangs, shuffles, and screams.)

You get the idea.

I await my ten-million dollar advance.

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