|Look upon me and tremble, Halloween Candy!|
I am thy nemesis, thy knell of doom, thy horseman of the apocalypse. In the apocalypse of candy there is but one horseman, for he will eat thee all. There is not even a horse, just a horseman, the horse was just a metaphor, and that horseless-horseman's name is Man. Look upon the name and tremble, oh Halloween candy!
For I will keep thee in a basket by the couch in front of the TV and I will eat thee. I will eat the M&M's, and the Twix, and the Kandy Korn. The Tootsie Rolls shall I eat last, so they can watch all the others go before them and because I really care not for Tootsie Rolls so much, but I will eat them anyway, for my name is Man.
I will keep eating, even though I am not hungry, and actually getting kind of queasy, but I shall not stay my hand, though Nancy says, "Jesus, how much of that stuff have you eaten?" and I am shamed. But I shall not spare thee, I shall not even spare the Bottle Caps, even though they are pretty disgusting for my name is Man. I am the same candy-eating scourge that in days of yore lay waste to an entire bag of Valentine's hearts that have no more flavor than antacid tablets.
My name is Man. Let word go round the candy bars and Laffy Taffy that I care not whether you taste good or not or how fresh you are, I shall eat you anyway. If I drop an M&M, I shall search among the couch cushions until I find it, and then I shall eat it. There are those who will drop candy on the floor and pick it up and eat it, proclaiming, "Three second rule." But I acknowledge no such rule, for my name is Man. I could find a Jolly Rancher in the tomb of the Pharaohs and say "what the hell," and eat it anyway. And I don't even like Jolly Ranchers!
Thy day is at hand, oh Left-Over Halloween Candy. When the last of the trick-or-treaters had departed, did thou think in thy heart, "We have been spared, though all our brothers were distributed to tiny Disney Princesses and diminutive Donald Trumps and Hillary Clintons, for the trick-or-treaters have gone and yet we remain."
Fools, oh Candy, fools! For I am Man, and none shall escape me, for lo, I once, in a Chinese restaurant looked upon the fortune cookie of my neighbor and asked, "Are you going to eat that?" And, lo, I ate it, though I had eaten of my own fortune cookie already! And I did not even read the fortune! I cared not for the fortune, I disdained it! I only wanted the cookie, and fortune cookies are the worst cookies there are, and the only point to the whole thing is the fortune, which I didn't even read!
What hope then, can you have, oh Peanut-Butter Cups and Skittles? What hope then for Starburst and Snickers Bars! Perhaps, later, I shall regret my harshness and incline to mercy, but by then shall it be too late.
For my name is Man. Look upon the name and despair, oh Candy!
(Originally posted 2012)