There are things thou must do, and things thou must not do. Wise is the dog that knowest the difference.
THOU MUST NOT bark incessantly at everything that goes by in the street, nor must thou wake up thy masters in the middle of the night barking at things that art not even there.
THOU MUST NOT drag thy nether regions against the carpet, no matter how much thou itchest, for this is an abomination.
TUG THOU NOT upon thy leash chasing squirrels. Thou wouldst never catch one anyways, and thou are only fooling thyself.
WHINE THOU NOT at the dinner table.
LICK THOU NOT thy nether regions when company is there, for this is an abomination.
THE LAW HAS ORDAINED many places where thou mayst dump. Thou mayst dump in the backyard, on the dog trail in designated areas, and in extreme situations, in the front yard. Thou mayst not dump in the neighbor's yard, nor mayst thou dump outside designated areas lest thy master be compelled to retrieve thy warm dump with a little baggie. But even to dump outside the designated area on the dog trail is not as foul in thy master's eye as dumping inside the house, for that is an abomination in the sight of thy master and really gross.
IF THOU COMEST ACROSS something dead and stinking in the dog park, roll thou not in it, for this is an abomination, and it is ordained that the dog who rolls in any dead and stinking thing shall get a bath forthwith.
NEITHER SHALT THOU eat of any thing thou findest in the park around the trashcans, though it be even chicken, and thou knowest how much thou lovest chicken.
IF THOU ABSOLUTELY MUST dump inside the house for thou, against the will of thy master, has eaten of something in the park, then at least don't dump on the carpet or the good furniture, but just on the hardwood which isn't as hard to clean up and at least is not quite as bad.
IF THOU WILT obey these, the commandments thy master has given, thou art a GOOD DOG.
(Originally posted 2012)