Friday, September 11, 2015
Lesser Zombie Emergencies
By now everyone has their Zombie Escape Plan, and that's a good thing, but when you get down to it, how likely is a Zombie Apocalypse anyways? You should also have plans for lesser, but more likely, Zombie Contingencies.
A zombie stumbles into your kitchen, knocking over the extra virgin olive oil and starting a grease fire: First, don't panic. If you have a fire extinguisher, pull the pin located under the trigger and spray at the base of the flame using steady sweeping strokes from right to left. If you don't have a fire extinguisher, or if it's not working, pour baking soda directly on the flame. If you don't have baking soda, place a large pot upside-down over the fire to smother it. On no account attempt to put out a grease or electrical fire with water. Once the fire is out, turn off the smoke alarm and shoot the zombie in the brain.
You swerve to avoid a zombie stepping into the road, and your car goes into a skid. Remember, don't panic. Gently, press the brake with your foot and turn in the direction of the skid. Once you have regained control of your car, park it, get out, and shoot the zombie in the brain.
You arrive at an elegant party and discover a zombie there is wearing the same dress as you. Whatever you do, don't panic. A few well-chosen accessories can completely change your look. A chunky necklace, big hoop earrings, and bracelets distract from the dress. Even different shoes or a modified hairstyle can make a huge difference. Once you've updated your look, you'll feel fresh and confident. Then shoot the zombie in the brain.
You're at another party, and this time a zombie backs you into a corner, wanting to talk about politics and how you feel about same-sex marriages, Hillary Clinton, and Donald Trump. Shoot him in the brain.
(Originally posted 2012)