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Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Is Your Soul Eternally Darned to Heck?



What is Heck?

Heck is a region of mild eternal torment.  Writers have described it as an unpleasant ninety degrees with very high humidity that makes it feel like ninety-five or ninety six.  There is nothing good on TV there and no cellphone connection.  Internet?  Forget it.  The exact location is unknown, although probably deep underground.  Some theologians maintain it's in that guy Steve What's-his-name's basement bedroom, you know, the guy with the strange BO who still lives with his mother.

Who ends up in Heck?

When you die, you're given a questionnaire to fill out with questions such as, "Did you ever say, 'G.D.' in anger?" and "Have you ever coveted your neighbor's kitten?"  The wrong answers could win you a one-way ticket straight to Heck.  Fortunately, most of the questions are either true-false or multiple-choice.

Who's in Charge of Heck?

Blue Devils.  Sounds scary, doesn't it?  It is.  The Duke Blue Devils are believed by many to be the worst football team in the ACC.  From 1999 to 2007, Duke's football win-loss record was at 13-90; from 2005 to 2007 Duke suffered a 22-game losing streak.  The Blue Devils torture the souls of the darned by poking them with tuning forks.  This is not painful, exactly, but it really gets annoying after a while.

(Originally posted 2012)

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