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Tuesday, July 14, 2015

The Apocalypse of Paulie Betenbaugh



The Revelation which the Malthusian Overlord gave unto Paulie Betenbaugh which must shortly come to pass. Blessed is he that readeth, and they that hear the words of this prophecy and not just call it bullshit like usual.  

I, Paulie, who was in Mrs. Othmar's detention for drawing pictures of death-stars during Social Studies, did hear a great voice, as of a trumpet, saying I am Knorman, Overlord of Malthusians, what thou seest writest in thy spiral-bound notebook and send it to the Seven Jocks who sit together at lunch, and especially to Jenny Pritchett, that she may hear.


And I turned to see that voice that spake, and saw seven light-sabers and in the midst of them one like a man, except his eyes were, like, completely whited out, and he was bald all over, but with nails sticking out, like the guy in Hell-Raiser, and his tongue was an actual snake, and there was other stuff that was even creepier, and I would write it down, except it was too creepy for you.  And, seeing, I fell at his feet as if I were dead because the whole thing was so creepy, but the Overlord said, FEAR NOT,

For the judgment of the Overlord is not upon thee, but upon the Seven Jocks especially for pantsing you in gym class and also Ms Othmar and to Jenny Pritchett that she may see and repent.

And I looked up, and out of the East, there came Seven Fiery Cockatrices, the Seven Jocks probably think is some kind of rooster, but is really a dragon, and totally bad-ass.  And one cockatrice was named Bad-ass, and one was named Doom, and one was named Hrothgar the Unholy, and one was named Decapitator, and one didn't have a name because he was too horrible even to name, and one was named Galaxian, and one was named Nameless.

And the cockatrices flew and spread havoc, which was the name of the Eighth Cockatrice that joined them late because he had something.  And a person, who shall not be named, but the secret of his identity may be guessed, for his number is 66, and he is the second-string quarterback, he said, "Holy shit," for he knew his hour was upon him.  For, an unbeliever, he had said Paulie did not have a girlfriend in Canada and there was no such person, even though Paulie had told everyone, and she is totally hot.


And from the mouth of one Cockatrice shot fire, and from another nails, and another hot oil that stuck to you - only it burned like crazy and you couldn't get it off, no matter what - and another had death-rays coming out of its eyes, and another would just bite off your head and for a second the rest of your body would quiver and sort of walk around like it still didn't know what had happened, and another could make itself invisible any time it wanted, and the other one or two were even worse than that, but it shall not be revealed what they did, so that it might be a Surprise.


And all who pantsed Paulie were laid waste, and all who laughed, and all who witnessed, and none were spared.


Except Jennie Pritchett, that she might see and repent.

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