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Sunday, July 12, 2015

Bend Others to Your Will in One Easy Lesson

People ask me all the time, "How do you bend others to your will?  What is your amazing secret?"

Now it can be told.  I have this incredible power to get others to do my bidding without even asking.

For example, say I want a bowl of ice-cream.  To a person lacking my incredible powers, obtaining this would require the tedium of actually asking someone for it, or worse yet, fixing it themselves.  Ha-ha, it is to laugh.  For me, getting a bowl of ice-cream is simplicity itself.  I will say to Nancy, "Do we have any ice-cream?"  And within mere moments - presto!  Ice-cream.

I vary my technique, of course; sometimes I will say, "Do you think ice-cream would go good with this?" or even, "Would you like some ice-cream?"

Notice, that in each of these situations, I do not actually ask for ice-cream, and yet the result is precisely the same.  Nancy fixes a bowl for me.

I began harnessing this incredible power even as a child.  I could ask complete strangers, "Do you have a watch?" and they would tell me the time without my even having to ask.  When we were dating, I would say to Nancy in a restaurant, "Are you going to finish that?" and without being asked, she would give me the rest of her french-fries or Parmesan as the case may be.

If you wish to develop these powers in yourself, there will come a critical test which you must pass or you will remain forever an ordinary mortal.  When you say, "Do we have any ice-cream," your wife (I am assuming here you are either a man or a lesbian) will say something to the effect of, "The ice-cream is in the freezer.  Get it yourself."

This is a crucial moment.  You must not allow yourself to find the ice-cream.  If you do, you can forget ever bending her to your will again.  You must look in the freezer and say, "I don't see it."  She will say, "It's on the left side, right beside the frozen peas."  Tell her you still can't find it.  Bring her the bag of frozen peas to demonstrate how thoroughly you have searched.  She may send you back to the freezer to check again.  Check as many times as she tells you, but on no account must you locate the ice-cream.  This takes tremendous will-power, especially since the ice-cream will be in plain sight.

Eventually she will give up, and come get the ice-cream for you.  When she shows it to you - and that it was exactly where she said - grin sheepishly and shrug.  At this point you can even apologize.  But the next time she asks you to get the ice-cream yourself, you must repeat this procedure exactly.

Eventually, she will become so exasperated, the mere mention of "ice-cream" will be sufficient to make her go and get it for you.

At this point, you have bent her to your will.

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