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Monday, April 27, 2015

The Gospel According to Rick Grimes, Zombie-Hunter

And Mary came unto the disciples and told them the stone was rolled away and the tomb was empty.  And Rick Grimes saith unto them, I like not the looks of this.  

And in those days the disciples were hiding for fear of the people, and Rick Grimes in particular, for fear of zombies, but Jesus appeared among them, and saith, Peace be with thee, and the disciples were amazed and worshiped, all but Rick Grimes who saith, How didst thou enter here?  The doors were all locked.
And Jesus spake saying, Oh, ye of little faith.  Come put your hands in my wounds that you may know it is I.

And Rick Grimes saith, I'm not touching nothing.  Keepest thou thy zombie germs to thyself.  We must put a spike in his head, for that is the only way to kill him.  Dost anyone have a spike?

And Jesus spake again, and said, What is there to eat?  I have not had a bite in three days.

And Mary saith, We have some fish, master.

And Rick Grimes saith, He will not eat fish.  He eats human brains.

But Jesus spake, saying, No, fish will be fine, thank you.

And Rick Grimes saith, Do you want some fish brains, for he sought to trap Jesus by clever questions, but Jesus only answered, No, just regular fish is fine.

And Jesus ate of the fish, and Rick Grimes came up to him, and Jesus spake unto him saying, What art thou doing with that spike?

And Rick Grimes saith, Nothing, Jesus, tum-te-tum-tum, just walking around with a spike.  I'm going to stand behind thy chair.  Just go on eating of thy fish.

Please put that down, Jesus said, thou art making me nervous.

And when Jesus had eaten, he blessed the disciples, all but Rick Grimes who said no thanks, and then he saith he must go to the father to prepare a place for them in heaven.

But wilt thou come back to us, Mary asked.

And Jesus saith, Yes, I will come again.

And next time, Rick Grimes muttered, we will be ready.

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