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Saturday, December 6, 2014

The Time Has Come to Blow the Lid off Reindeer

If a reindeer offered to be my friend,
I'd snub him cold.
I know a lot of you have sentimental fondness for reindeer, but I simply cannot hold my peace any longer.  To be frank about the matter, reindeer are despicable, despicable creatures.

I refer of course to certain lyrics in "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer."  There was, of course, the animated TV show with Burl Ives, but the original song was performed by Gene Autry with a cornet solo - or possibly a clarinet - in the middle.  Why would Gene Autry - who was a cowboy star - sing a song about reindeer?  And why would there be a cornet or possibly clarinet solo in the middle?  The solo makes no sense!  You're listening to a song about reindeer, and all of a sudden there's this solo which is possibly a cornet or clarinet.  The only reason for all these anomalies is to teach us a lesson, and the lesson is, reindeer are finks.

"I know all about that," you say.  "They used to laugh and call him names, and they wouldn't let him play in any of their reindeer games, but the other reindeer learn their lesson.  It's all there in the second half of the song after the cornet or whatever it is."

That's the whole point; they don't learn their lesson.  Santa asks Rudolph with his "nose so bright" to guide his "sleigh tonight; then how the reindeer loved him."  (Emphasis my own.)  See the point?  They only "love" him because he gets promoted to lead reindeer.  Reindeer don't know the meaning of the word love.  "Rudolph," they say, "you'll go down in history!"  Sure, be his friend after you know he's going to be famous.  That's not real friendship.  If a reindeer offered to be my friend, you know what?  I'd snub him.  Snub him cold.  Like, if you're a reindeer on Facebook, don't even bother trying to "friend" me.  You'd just be wasting your time.  Seriously.

When you get down to it, reindeer are just a bunch of selfish, narcissistic, status-seeking jerks, that's all.  I bet there weren't even any reindeer games in the first place.  How can reindeer play games?  They don't even have opposable thumbs!  I bet they were just saying there were games to make Rudolph feel left out.

Reindeer bastards.

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