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Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Your Guide to the Thanksgiving Blogs

It's that wonderful time of year again, when people of all races and creeds open up their hearts and laptops to blog about Thanksgiving.  What can we expect from this year's Thanksgiving-blog lineup?

Of course there'll be the familiar favorites: heartfelt, sincere expressions of gratitude for family, friends, and what remains of our health.  The best of these will contain a soupcon of humor about also being thankful for spiral-sliced ham, but not so thankful for green-bean casserole, or perhaps a droll reminder that anything eaten between twelve noon and midnight on November 27th is completely calorie free.  (Ha-ha)  Reading too many blogs along these lines gets depressing after awhile, especially if your own Thanksgiving is going to suck, but the holidays wouldn't be the same without them.

Speaking of depressing, there will be oodles of blogs on how to burn calories and lose weight following the turkey-day gorge-fest.  I advise steering clear of these unless you're into that sort of thing, in which case, I'd advise others to steer clear of you.

Then, if you really want to be depressed, there's blogs about shopping for Black Friday specials.  Oh, please, spare me.  Bloggers gushing about how early they got up, how far from the mall they had to park, the lines and crowds they endured, and the bargains they got - or didn't get.  To counter those with equal and opposite noxiousness, are anti-Black Friday blogs where self-righteous hipster pinheads rail against capitalist greed and its exploitation of consumers with an utterly commercialized holiday celebrating the birth of a man devoted to a life of humility and poverty.

God, I need a drink.

And what Thanksgiving would be complete without a blog or two "correcting" our mistaken notions about Thanksgiving itself?  For example, did you know at the first Thanksgiving, there wasn't Turkey, but lobster?  Did you know pilgrims didn't have buckles on their hats or the Indians feathers in their hair, but actually the other way around?  Did you know the first Thanksgiving was in Canada?  And did you know it wasn't Thanksgiving at all, but St Swiven's Day?

Sweet Jesus, take me now.

And if all that isn't depressing enough, there'll be at least one meta-blog blogging about blogging about Thanksgiving, wherein some curmudgeonly spoilsport, who clearly has a stick up his butt about something, gets incensed about all the other blogs out there which clearly he doesn't have to read if he doesn't want to.

Happy Thanksgiving.

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