I Heart Indies

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

It's About Time

If we can bottle these, why not exercise?
Health experts have long recommended engaging in physical activities, but many people do not exercise. Swiss food company NestlĂ©, however, appears to have found a solution to this dilemma with the "exercise in a bottle."  The world's largest food company said that research conducted by scientists from the NestlĂ© Institute of Health suggest that food and nutritional products may soon be able to provide some of the beneficial effects of exercise on the body's metabolism and this could particularly benefit physically inactive individuals. - Rhodi Lee, Tech Times

Well, I for one say "Thank goodness."  It only makes sense that the makers of chocolate milk and cocoa would be the ones to create what American civilization has craved for so long: exercise you can drink.  I'm tired of these dang fitness nuts making me feel inferior with their rock-hard abs and low body fat.  Soon we can all have the physique we want without hard work and discipline that make life such a downer.

The worst part about exercise nuts is their moral superiority.  "I just go to the gym thirty minutes a day instead of watching TV."  Or, "Instead of candy and fatty foods, I just eat fresh fruit and vegetables."  Thanks a lot, you selfish bastards.  Now the rest of us have to watch that much extra TV and eat that much more junk food to keep the national average up.  They never think about that, do they?  They get to pamper themselves on treadmills and elliptical machines while the rest of us have to slog through Law and Order marathons choking down bagfuls of Kettle Brand krinkle-cut potato chips.  And they're all smug because they're into "extreme sports" like rock-climbing, or white-water kayaking, or sit-ups or whatever; but it says right on the package that Cheetos are "dangerously cheesy."  You hear that, you self-righteous butt-holes?  "Dangerously cheesy."

Well, the tables have finally turned.  We can be just as fit as you by doing what we do best: eating processed foods from gigantic multinational corporations. 

As soon as we have education in a bottle and basic human decency in a bottle, we will achieve a new golden age.

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