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Monday, October 27, 2014

Excerpts from The Kind-of Sutra

Chapter XVLMM

Of Televisions and Remotes

Varieties of Remotes and Their Buttons:

A Remote for the Television
A Remote for the Cable Channels
A Remote for the Roku
A Remote for the DVD Player
A Remote for the Stereo
A Remote the Purpose of Which is Unknown, But Which May Not Be Discarded Lest it Be Needed Later

Care must always be taken to use the proper remote for the proper function.  For example, it would be futile to attempt to turn on the DVD Player with the Television Remote, even though the Television Remote seems to have a button for just that purpose; nevertheless, many remotes may change volume.  Care must be taken, moreover, with the remote not to push the wrong button thereon; if "screen within a screen" pops up, it can be the devil to get it to go away.

Seeking and Finding

In this position, the Man wishes to find the remote, and the Woman is out of the room.  They do not touch.  The Man begins by calling out the Woman's name.  "Have you seen the remote?" he will inquire.  The Woman is to respond with the last place she saw it, and the Man is to say he hath already looked there.  Nevertheless, he will look again.  If the remote is where the Woman said it is, he will say nothing of it.  It is is not, he will ask her again and continue searching.

Mutual Seeking and Finding

In this variation, neither the Man nor the Woman knows where the remote is and both want to find it.  They are in the same room looking together.  They do not touch.  Each may volunteer places he or she has seen it last, or where it "ought" to be.  If the Man approaches too close to the Woman, she is to say, "I am already looking over here.  Go look over there."  When the remote is located, one of them may say, "If it had been a snake, surely it would have bitten us," otherwise, one may inquire, "How did it get all the way over there?"

Woman Watching, Man Bored

The Man sits on the couch.  The Woman lies on the sofa.  They do not touch.  The Man reaches for the remote, and the Woman is to say, "Put that down, I'm watching this."  The Man says, "I am just adjusting the volume," and presses the volume button with his thumb.  The Woman says, "Not that loud.  That is too loud."

Man Watching, Woman Disgusted

The Man sits on the couch.  The Woman enters the room and says, "Are you watching that?  That is disgusting."  The Man replies, "I was not really watching this."  The Man changes channels.

Man and Woman Watching, Woman Leaves Room

The Man and Woman are watching together and the Woman leaves the room for she must sort laundry or feed the dog.  The Woman says, "Pause it until I return, for I do not wish to miss the next part."  While the Woman is gone, the Man does not pause but rewinds, estimating the length of time until her return, and presses play, trying synch it up so that when she returns, the show will be exactly where she left off.  If the Woman does not return in the expected time, the Man must rewind again, this time going back not quite so far as before.  He may do this as many times as required until her return.  If she does not return in two or three times, he may begin to wonder just how long it takes to sort laundry anyways.  When the Woman returns, she may find the show is on a part she has already seen, and the Man may need to fast-forward to get to the part where she left off.  If he inadvertently fast-forwards too much and skips over that part, the Woman is to say, "Why didn't you just pause it like I said?"  The Man is not to respond to this.

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