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Sunday, October 26, 2014

Alexander the Great's Academic Progress Report



Needless to say, this sort of thing
is unacceptable.
To Phillip King of Macedon and Queen Olympias,

Your Royal Highnesses,

You may remember meeting me at "Open Lyceum Night."  I am Alex's Logic teacher.  I also teach him Geology, Biology, Physics, Aesthetics, Metaphysics, Medicine, Psychology, and Practical Philosophy.   

The reason I'm writing this is I'm very concerned about Alex's progress in my class.  Frankly, I don't believe he is living up to his full potential.  Currently, the most I can say for him is he may one day be called Alexander the Mediocre, or Alexander the Could-Have-Made-Something-of-Himself-if-He'd-Applied-Himself.  I'm sure you expect more from him than that, and so do I.

Alex seems easily distracted from his studies.  I had taken the class to the archery range to demonstrate that motion is the "actuality of potentiality as such," which is one of the standards of our Core Curriculum here in Athens.  At first I thought Alex was really "getting it," but then he began shooting arrows in all directions, killing two of his classmates and injuring another, so I had to put him in "time out."  He asked if he could take some arrows with him to practice for homework, and when I asked how many he needed, and he replied, "Five or six thousand ought to do the trick," so I suspected he only wanted to get up to mischief.

His academic progress would be concerning enough, but there is also the matter of his interactions with his classmates.  I have already alluded to the unfortunate incidents on the archery range, but I'm afraid this behavior is all too typical.  The other day during recess, he was bragging that he was the son of Zeus Almighty, and one of his peers said, "Prove it."  I was looking forward to overhearing a bracing discussion of First Causes and Universals and Particulars, but instead Alex instigated a tussle.  Before I could separate the boys, Alex had killed his interlocutor, annexed his lands, married one of his favorites to the victim's sister, and appointed him governor.

Needless to say, this sort of behavior is not acceptable.

I bring these matters to your attention in the hope you will address them with Alex at home and stress to him the importance of a solid education, as well as respecting other people's feelings and property, and not killing them.

Thank you for all your support,

Aristotle

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