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Friday, September 19, 2014

What Happens in Scotland

Dig In!
Scotland has decided not to secede from the UK, so now we can all breathe a sigh of relief.  I know how concerned you all were.  Major catastrophe, narrowly averted.

The real terror, of course, was that had Scotland left the UK, they might have wanted to join someone else.  They might have wanted to join us.

I have Scots ancestry myself, and I have nothing but pride for my heritage, and yet there are some things that are better left in Scotland.

There are some things
I cannot even comment on
Other than scotch whiskey itself, Scotland's primary contributions to civilization are dubious at best.  Take for example, plaid.  The last time plaid was considered fashionable was... well, never.  Paisley goes in and out of fashion, but plaid has always been out.  Take a close look at a paisley and you'll get an idea just how bad plaid must be to lose by comparison.  

Apart from kilts and gimcrack novelty tams sold at Scottish fairs, the only people who wear plaid are eight-year-olds whose mothers dress them in it, deliberately to humiliate them.   The eight-year-olds sense this and are rightly indignant, but being underage, have no recourse but to wait until they are adults and can dress their own children in plaid.  You also see plaids on boxer shorts, but never the boxer shorts of single men.  Women buy their husbands plaid boxer shorts as a preventative for adultery. 

My family has a plaid, but it is not one of the good plaids.  You may not have known there were good plaids.  Clan McDonald has a very good plaid as plaids go.  It is red and blue and white and very distinctive.  My family's plaid has dull bluish green horizontal stripes offset with dull greenish blue vertical stripes against a dull blue and green background.  You have to look closely to know it is plaid.

The British isles were never known for their cuisine, but even there Scotland sets a low-water mark.  Haggis.  The first step of an acutual haggis recipe I found online runs thusly; "Clean stomach bag thoroughly and soak overnight.  In the morning turn inside-out."  Next, you are to clean the "pluck," and mouthwatering collation of lungs, liver, and heart, allowing the "windpipe to hang over the pot" to drain out "impurities."  I will spare you the rest.  No one should read a Scottish recipe on an empty stomach.  Or a full one.  Suffice to say, later it calls for oatmeal.

The Scots did give us golf, which outdoes even baseball for sheer dullness, but their primary sport is the caber-toss.  This, for the uninitiated, is a test of agility and split-second timing wherein a lunatic in a kilt attempts to throw a telephone pole end-over-end.

And then there's bagpipes.  Dear lord, the bagpipes.

Some people say bagpipes are beautiful.  Then again, some people like haggis.

So Scotland will stay in the UK.  Be glad.  Be very glad.

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