I am sorry.
I cannot even begin to tell you how sorry I am.
First of all, I should've been McCain's running mate in 2008. I'm not saying we would've won, but I truly think America would've been better off having me as a losing vice-presidential candidate than the current loser. Enough said. I don't know why I didn't take action when I had the chance. Maybe I was like, well, Palin, how bad can it be? Or maybe I just didn't want to bother putting on pants. Whatever the reason, there's no excuse, and I'm deeply, profoundly sorry.
Also, I really should've been a professional athlete. To the best of my recollection, I have never shot at a possible intruder through a bathroom door, nor have I ever knocked a woman unconscious in an elevator. I certainly could not have prevented every sport-figure-related mishap of recent memory, but even one or two would have justified my existence on the planet. The fact is, instead of pumping iron, running obstacle courses, and generally getting in shape, I spent my high school years reading H P Lovecraft and "Life with Archie" comic books. I can offer no justification for this, and I am sincerely sorry.
Lastly, I should've been Pope. Had I been the pontiff, the sanctity of gay marriage and the equality of the sexes would've been established principles of the Catholic Church. I should never have let a few obstacles like converting to Catholicism and making the long rocky climb to become cardinal prevent me from doing so much good for so many. From 1976 to 1980, for example, I was on a roll, celibacy-wise, even though I hadn't taken a vow - far from it - but I didn't keep up my momentum, and now here we are.
I'm sorry, America.