Three Tricks to Make Friends

I can't tell you how many friends I've lost this way

The Beatles's song tells us to look at all the lonely people.  Where do they all come from, the Beatles want to know, where do they all come from?

This just goes to show how incredibly dumb the Beatles are.

Looking at all the lonely people is A. Impossible, because being lonely, they're all in separate places.  Looking at each of them individually would take weeks.  B. Looking at a lonely person only exacerbates the problem.  Now he's lonely and self-conscious.  Thanks a lot, Beatles.

The real trick is to get lonely people into caring nurturing relationships.  After that, they'll be somebody else's problem.  So how can a lonely person make friends?  Presumably, if you're reading this blog, you're a lonely person yourself, because clearly you don't have anything better to do.  You might think you can make friends by staring at them without speaking or sitting in the bathtub and crying.  This is not so.  Oddly enough, going up to people and plaintively asking, "Will you be my friend?" doesn't work either.  Fortunately, there are some simple techniques for making friends.

Call People By Their Names: People like to hear the sound of their own names, so say their names frequently.  For example, if you're sitting next to someone named Dave, say, "Dave."  When he says, "What?" don't answer just wait a few seconds and say, "Dave," again.  Every few seconds say "Dave."  Nothing else, just the name.  Don't respond to questions, threats, or pleas for you to stop.  Soon he will be your friend.

Be Complimentary: There's a saying that you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar.  Like the Beatles' song, this just goes to show how stupid some people can be.  Why would you want to catch flies?  But back to the topic, try saying something nice once in a while for a change.  But it's not enough to say something like, "You're not as big a loser as everyone says you are," or "You must really love your mother to let her dress you that way," you have to be sincere.

Don't Hit a Friend on the Head with a Haddock:  I cannot stress this enough.  I don't know how many friends I've lost hitting them on heads with haddocks.  I mean, I'm holding a nice fresh haddock, and there's someone's head, what am I supposed to do?  But this will only lead to misunderstanding.  Instead, tell your friend, "Hey, watch this."  Then hit someone else on the head with a haddock.  Your friend will not only find this hilarious, he'll be touched by your consideration in not hitting him on the head with your haddock.  As far as the other person goes, he probably wouldn't have liked you anyway.

Be Amusing: People like people who amuse them.  Point at an imaginary spot on someone's shirt, just below the chin, and say, "There's a spot."  When they look down, bonk them in the nose.  If they don't look, keep repeating, "There's a spot, look, there's a spot, look," and like that until they finally give up and look.  Then bonk them.  A little while later, do the same trick again.  It never gets old.