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Wednesday, May 28, 2014

My Thoughts to the Graduates

Today, as you prepare to embark on your - stop staring at your cellphones, I'm talking here!  Would someone tell them to get off their cellphones?  There's someone up here trying to make a speech.  

Okay, three or four of you look like you're listening, so I'll continue.

As I was saying, today as you prepare to embark on - wait stop.  Goldurn it, take the earbuds out while I'm talking, okay?  You can't possibly hear what I have to say when you're listening to P-Diddy or G-Money or whoever it is.

And whose ringtone is that?  Please, if you can't turn off your phones for one precious hour of your life, at least put them on vibrate or silent or whatever.  


I'm about to give a speech in which I've condensed all the wisdom of my years, preparing you for a future fraught with challenge, yes, but opportunity, too, a future in which...

Now they're staring at their cellphones again.

Wait a minute.  There's still one person listening.  Yes, she's definitely very intent on what I have to say.  She's not even listening to her iPod.  Thank you, young lady.  You've restored my faith in today's youth.  This message, then, is for you and you alone.  You are the chosen one to receive all my wisdom and inspiration.

Today as you - wait a minute, what are you doing?  What's that gesture mean?  Dear Lord, she's attempting to change the screen on me.  Don't you understand?  You can't get rid of me by swiping your finger from left to right.  This isn't a touch-screen.  It's reality.  Re.  Al.  It.  Y.  I'm not an avatar or something, I'm a real person.  You can't make me go away by simply 

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