For years I've been one of those guys who'd see faces everywhere he looked. A potato that was a dead-ringer for Spiro Agnew, a corn wart that reminded me of Miley Cyrus. It was especially pronounced with toast: Jesus Christ in a piece of toast, David Hasselhoff on a piece of toast, Elvis Presley on a piece of toast. "No worries," I thought, "that's just plain old Paredolia. Lots of people have that."
But then it started to spread. The dishwasher made a sound exactly like Ellen Degeneres. And she was saying things. Not bad things, nothing like telling me to go start fires. Really it was mostly very upbeat and encouraging. Occasionally, she'd tell me about the next guest or make a topical joke. Then my car started doing it. You know how after you turn off the engine, it makes this ticking sound as it cools? Well, that began to sound just like President Obama. Like the way he'll pause in the middle of a sentence as he weighs the exact precise word he wants to use next? That's exactly how the ticking is - as it slows down, it's Obama pausing to grasp for the next word. "The situation... in Crimea... can only be... ameliorated... if we..." And at that point, the engine will stop talking (ticking) altogether. It drives me crazy!
I thought I was having a breakdown. The only way I could calm myself was running the dishwasher, because I always found Ellen Degeneres kind of soothing, or else I'd watch old Charlie Brown cartoons. You know how the adults in those things talk in series of flat horn blatts that aren't even words? Well, I can understand them now, and I tell you, those Charlie Brown teachers have some important things to tell us. They're profound.
But that's not all. I no longer just see faces in toast. I now see toast in faces. And it's not just toast, it's all kinds of breakfast bread products. I've got a coworker that I see as a croissant instead of a human being. I swear, there's another one who's a cinnamon raisin bagel. And when I go to Church, Jesus' face looks like toast. It looks like toast that looks like Elvis. And then the hymn turns into "You Ain't Nothin' but a Hound Dog," and the incense smells like burning toast. And Ellen Degeneres on TV has started sounding like a ringtone. And the ringtone sounds like Sarah Palin. And Sarah Palin is telling me I'm out of bread.
Please, can someone help me.