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Friday, March 28, 2014

Understanding Georgia Law

It's Legal to Bring Your Gun to Church
if the Church Says It's Okay
Okay, listen up, and I'll go through it one more time.

In Georgia you can take a gun just about anywhere you want, even a bar, although they won't serve you a drink if you have a gun.  They can ask you for proof of your age, but they can't ask for your gun permit.  You can take a gun to a church, if the church says it's okay, but they're not supposed to serve you communion wine, and if you're gay, they're not supposed to marry you, although there are some exceptions to the preceding rule, for example, if you're a gay man, it's lawful to marry a lesbian, but two gay men can't be married, or two lesbians, or two men who are heterosexual and don't love each other but are just getting married because it's something their parents want, or one heterosexual man, one heterosexual woman, and one lesbian, even if they have guns and even though that's really hot, but if they walk into a bar with a gun, that's okay; moreover, you can be arrested for having sex in pretty much any position except missionary, although this law is rarely enforced, and in Kennesaw you may be required to own a gun, and it is against the law for a man to stand naked in front of a sheep, although this is a very old law that still hasn't been taken off the books.  It is lawful to proudly display your Confederate flag because this is covered under free speech, also to go to a funeral with "God Hates Fags" signs, but in Florida you can't publish the names of anyone acquitted of manslaughter under the "Stand Your Ground Law."  (Florida is not Georgia, but it's one of the few remaining states that makes us feel good about ourselves.)  You can not have sex in a bar, even if it's in the missionary position, even if it's with your lawful spouse, and if you do so, someone may buy you a drink.  If you are an undocumented alien, you will not be allowed to have a driver's license.  If you are an undocumented alien without a driver's license and you are caught driving under the influence of alcohol, you will need to show documentation you didn't have a gun when you were getting drunk.  You can take a gun to the doctor's office, and he may still write you a prescription for a controlled substance that's way stronger than any alcohol and clearly states not to operate heavy machinery because even though, broadly speaking, a gun is a machine, it's not all that heavy compared to, say, a bulldozer, provided neither you nor the doctor is an undocumented alien even if the doctor is a lesbian who has been driving under the influence without proof of insurance or proudly displaying her Confederate flag.  If you are an undocumented alien, you may not get an insulin prescription, however, the emergency room will be happy to saw off your leg for you if it comes to that, and they will give you medication way stronger than any alcohol so you can drive home without a license to your gay gun-toting lover.  If you are a doctor who knowingly provides medication to undocumented aliens unless they have a gun pointed at you, you may be subject to arrest.  If you do not have a lawyer, one will be provided for you.  You may not buy alcohol on Sundays and holidays until you are 21 unless you are an undocumented alien or don't have money.  You must be 18 to buy a rifle or shotgun from a federally licensed dealer; however, you must have a hunting license if you are 14.  If you are a hunter under 14 you do not need a license.  If you are on privately owned land, you do not need a license at all, unless you're trespassing or gay.  If you are stopped by the police while driving under the influence of medication and you are in Kennesaw, they may ask to see your gun.  If you do not have a gun, one will be provided for you.  If you are an Irishman, a Rabbi, and a lawyer, and you walk into a bar together with a gun, you may be subject to a punchline.   If you are an underage gay undocumented alien who attends a funeral where people are waving signs saying, "God hates fags," and you proudly burn a Confederate flag, then you're really just asking for it, and I don't know what to tell you.

I hope this clears things up.

1 comment:

  1. This is absolutely brilliant! No more need be said.

    ReplyDelete