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Saturday, March 22, 2014

How to Be a Leader

What's it take to be great?  Well, it takes work, bucko.  But if you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen.

Frankly, you're never going to be a leader because if you were, you wouldn't be reading a blog about leadership, you'd be going out and leading something.  Leading what, you ask.  I don't know.  A big brass band.  A revolution.  A Fortune 500 Company.  A Cub Scout Troop.  That's the sort of thing you decide if you're a leader.  Leaders lead, and blog readers read.

Didn't expect this level of criticism, did you?  This kind of in-your-face honesty?  Well, if you can't stand the pressure, stay out of the earth's core, because the pressure there is north of 330 gigapascals.

Look at you sitting there.  You're pathetic.  Straighten your shoulders, don't slump.  Suck in your gut.  And what's that stain on your shirt?

Made you look.  Sucker.  A real leader would never fall for that.  How could I possibly see a stain on your shirt?  This is a blog.  Did I hurt your feelings?  Tough.  If you can't stand the guano, stay out of Carlsbad Caverns.

If you're going to be a leader, start by looking like a leader.  Leaders aren't afraid to take up space.  Uncross your legs.  That's it.  Don't fold your arms.  That's it.  Spread out a little.  Let the world know you're here.  Hang a leg over the side of your chair.  Good.  Stretch out your arms.  Take out your eyeball and put it in the chair next to you.  If someone goes to sit there, say, "Hey, that's my eyeball."

"But if I take out my eyeball, it might hurt."  "If I take out my eyeball, won't I lose my depth perception?"  You make me puke.  You whiner.  If you can't stand the urine, stay out of the swimming pool.

Maybe you're saying, "This is dumb.  I don't need some stupid blog to tell me if I'm a leader.  I can be a leader without a bunch of corny advice."  That's more like it.  I like your spunk.  Of course, you still won't amount to anything, but a loser with spunk is better than one without.

You know why you'll always be a loser?  Well, there's one secret every leader knows that the rest of you sheep never guess at.  Do you know what that secret is?

I didn't think so.

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