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Saturday, March 29, 2014

Be Glad You Don't Know

Graph Showing Inverse Relationship Between How Innocent
Something Seems and How Catastrophic It Actually Is
If you knew anything about this at all, you'd totally freaking freak out, so it's a good thing you don't know.  This is bigger than the whole crisis in Eastern Europe.  This makes Eastern Europe look like a jelly donut.  If Putin knew anything about this, he'd just put his tail between his legs and go home.  He'd be like, "I thought I was stirring up trouble, but I see now I was just bush league.  Amateur hour.  I feel like a jelly donut."

Ignorance is bliss, buddy, so don't even try to pry it out of me.  The less you know, the better, believe me.

Global Warming?  Don't make me laugh.  The extinction of entire species, the destruction of the Great Barrier Reef, droughts, floods, and famine.  Big deal.  This thing makes Global Warming look pathetic.  When this thing breaks, you'll say, "Man, I wish I could get me some Global Warming right now.  Global Warming was a picnic.  I never new how good we had it."  But don't even ask me to tell you about it.  It's better you go on living in your little dream world as long as possible.

Asteroid Doom?  Don't try guessing, you'll just embarrass yourself.  You know that movie where Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck, and Billy Bob Thornton go up in a rocket ship and nuclear-blast a killer asteroid to smithereens before it destroys the earth, and then get away seconds before the bomb goes off, and they're cracking jokes and one-liners the whole time?   Well, if they made a movie about this thing, Bruce, Ben, and Billy Bob would just be huddled in a dark room crying.  That's it.  The whole movie would be them crying in despair.  Crying like babies.  That's how bad this is.

No, it's not a Zombie Apocalypse.  I wish it was a Zombie Apocalypse.  Okay, okay, I'll give you one little hint.  My Pretty Pony.  Think about it.  You know how the more terrible something is, the more it's associated with something completely banal and harmless?  Childlike even?  Like at the end of Ghostbusters, the thing that was going to destroy earth was the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man?   Okay, I know that was just a movie, but think about it.  There's a precise inverse relationship between how silly and harmless something seems and how devastatingly catastrophic it really is.  And the My Pretty Pony is just one aspect of this thing, the tip of the iceberg, the snout of the killer shark.

I won't tell you anymore.  If you have any sense, just the Pretty Pony detail is enough to wreck your peace of mind.  Okay, okay, I'll tell you one more detail.

Sparkles.

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