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Thursday, March 13, 2014

Acromania

An Executive Confronted by a Pouncing Tiger
Attempts to Come Up with an Acronym to Fit His Situation
Good morning, everyone.

You may remember GAM, or Growth Achievement Model, which was the paradigm which we used last year to forecast the next year's paradigm and now next year's paradigm is this year and this year's paradigm is last year.  So here we are.

Looking at the data, we can see in per cap unit sales our target was 84.  This year, which is to say last year, we achieved 54 and next year, which is this year, we're projected to be at 55.  This is a gain of approximately 1.  When it comes to relative distribution per unit costs the target was to hold the line at 72.  Last, this, year was 77, and next, this, year 78.  This is a change of between 1 and 3.  Does everyone see where I'm getting these numbers?  This is a good change.  No wait.  It's bad.  I was looking at it backward.  No wait.  It's good.  No, I was right in the first place.  I was wrong.  It's bad.

So where do we go from here?

No, Bob, it's not time for lunch.  Ha-ha.

As you know, our CEO has tremendous faith in the potential of acronyms to make a positive change in our performance.  There's nothing like a good snappy acronym to make you feel like you're accomplishing something and moving forward without actually having taken any action.  Also, being easy to remember, acronyms are perfectly suited to the diminished intellectual capacity of most of our employees.

The next step is ADADADA, which stands for Analyzing Data And Devising Another Damn Acronym.  We're hiring a consultant group at great cost to examine our company with a fine-tooth comb and hang out in the break room trying to score with chicks and then determine what acronyms our company will need and generate them for us.  These will then be implemented by MAMAMAMAMNSW, which stands for Memorizing Acronyms and Making Acronyms Meaningful Although Most Acronyms Make No Sense Whatsoever.  That acronym uses the word acronym several times, which I know is kind of confusing, but that's just another reason we need this consultant group.

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