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Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Your Cable Provider is Merging

We Predict It Will Soon Be Your Favorite Channel
Dear Subscriber:

Comcast Cable has completed negotiations with Morgo Enterprises to form a merger of the two companies.  Comcast Cable will receive $100 million in cash, the support of Morgo Enterprises' surveillance and munitions expertise, and additional programming.  In exchange, Morgo Enterprise will receive one more piece on its path to world domination.

You may be wondering what all this means to you.

To start with, if you're worried about your cable service increasing in cost or decreasing in quality, rest assured, you'll still get the same great value you always have.  In fact, thanks to the generosity of Morgo Enterprises, your next year of cable will be completely free of charge!  This includes all premium channels such as HBO, Showtime, you name it!  Moreover, you will find an additional premium channel not available from any other provider.  Each time you turn on your TV, it will default to Morgo Today, an exciting new station being pioneered exclusively by Morgo-Comcast Inc.  When you first see it, it will seem to be only a test pattern with a light background hiss.  You may hear soft voices, but you won't be able to hear what they are saying.  Watch it for just a few seconds, is all we ask.  Pretty soon, we predict, it will become your favorite channel, and you'll watch nothing else.  You'll want to sleep in front of your TV not to miss a second.  And as you watch, you'll find your life improves immeasurably.  You'll find you have a new sense of purpose, like a mission, and you'll find yourself doing things you never thought yourself intellectually, physically, or morally capable of even attempting.

In the next few days, technicians will arrive in your neighborhood to install special monitoring boxes.  These are to be placed in each room, not just in the room with the TV.  They are so sleek and inconspicuous, you'll probably forget they are there in a day or two.  Above all else, do not attempt to tamper with them or remove them because they are equipped with computers programmed for self-preservation and a system of lasers and high-explosives that is formidable indeed.  These monitoring boxes are part of a new pilot program, We-CU2 TV!  Thanks to the monitoring boxes, while you're enjoying hour after endless hour of Morgo Today, back here at the station, we'll be watching you!  Your every move!

Morgo-Comcast is excited to be your cable service provider, and should you have any problems: for example, if there is a power outage, or nosy neighbors asking why you're watching a test pattern all the time, simply stand in any room in your house, and say in a clear, distinct voice: "Master, there is a problem."  Our tech service team will be there within the hour.

Welcome to the Wonderful World of Morgo-Comcast

Praetorius Morgo, PhD

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