No, not a figure-of-speech metaphorical scapegoat, an actual baa-baa, horns-on-my-head, funny-little-beard, eats-just-about-anything scapegoat.
A few days ago, in the village where I came from, there was a big ceremony, and this priest brings me up, and all the people start putting their sins on me. Actually, that part wasn't so bad. It was kind of like being petted, and goats don't mind being petted, at least I didn't mind. And the whole time this priest was saying, you know, mumbo-jumbo, jumbo-mumbo, all about how all the adultery, thievery, dishonesty, and guilt was going out of the people and into the goat. (That's me.)
Then when everyone was done, the priest said some more jumbo-mumbo, mumbo-jumbo, and that's when the people went crazy! They started throwing sticks and rocks at me, screaming and shouting, like I said, crazy. Well, I took off running, and they chased me! I could hear them behind me all the way until I got to the outskirts of the village, and I just kept on running until I got to the wilderness, which is where I live now.
Goats run pretty fast when they want to, but once I got away, I got a funny feeling they weren't really trying to catch me. They just wanted me out. Which kind of hurt my feelings, but I've gotten over it. The thing is, when you make a scapegoat, you can't ever forgive him. You can't ever say, "Come back, little goat. It's okay now." If those villagers would just say to each other, "I'm an adulterer, my bad," or "I just can't stop thieving. Maybe I need to join a support group," everything would be over and done with. Instead they have to get a new goat every year. If you say you're sorry, you're done; if you make a scapegoat, it's forever.
Anyway, the only bad part of being a scapegoat is the being chased out part. Once you're in the wilderness, it's pretty cool. You tell the other goats you're a scapegoat, and they're like, "What's that?" Unless you tell another former scapegoat, in which case, he understands.
So I'm going to stay in the wilderness, thank you. That village was full of adulterers, thieves, and liars anyway. Besides which, I've seen how they treat goats.
