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Friday, February 14, 2014

Me vs The Levites

I'm Not Exactly Sure What a Levite Looks Like,
But if I Saw One Coming, I'd Turn and Go the Other Way
I have been reading the Bible recently.  I will wait for the laughter to subside before I continue.

Anyway, I have been reading the Bible lately and one thing I've decided is, I can do without Levites.  I'm not exactly sure what a Levite looks like, but if I saw one coming, you know what?  I'd turn around and go the other way.

The Levites were these guys that took it upon themselves to tell everyone else what to do and how to do it.  Their favorite phrase was "pleasing in the sight of the Lord," but you can bet what they meant was, "pleasing in the sight of the Levites."  You know all the parts of the Bible where it talks about stoning homosexuals and locking up women on their menstrual cycle?  You know where all that comes from?  Leviticus.  And guess who wrote Leviticus.  That's right, the Levites.

And that's not all, I've been reading the Book of Ezra where the people have all returned from Babylonian captivity and everything is hunky-dory.  Only Ezra says anyone who stayed behind in Israel and married up with any Cushites, or Cananites, or Jebusites, or whatever have got to divorce and disown their children.  Can you imagine me saying to Nancy, "Sorry, honey.  I knew you were a Cushite when you married me, but Ezra says we got to split up," or saying to my kids, "Sorry, honey, your momma was a Jebusite, so it's off to the orphanage with you."  I don't know if Ezra was a Levite, but Levites were thick and heavy around him.  Ezra couldn't raise an arm on either side without hitting a Levite. As far as I'm concerned, the Levites had their fingerprints all over that deal.

Now please, please, please don't misunderstand me.  This is not antisemitism.  I have nothing against Benjamites, Reubenites, or Zebulinites.  I'm crazy about Simeonites, and I can't get enough of Naphtalites.  Just the Levites I don't care for.

As far as I'm concerned, the Levites transcend religious and ethnic boundaries.  You know Southerners who said if a white married a black, it was miscegenation?  Levites.  People who don't like women nursing in public?  Levites.  Was J B Stoner a Levite?  Was Hitler?  I'll let you draw your own conclusions.

As for me, I'm a live and let live kind of guy.  I got no beef with anybody and love everybody.

Except Levites.  I don't like Levites.

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