Friday, February 21, 2014
An Open Letter from the Oil Industry
Thanks to your support and desperation, the Keystone Pipeline will soon be a reality, pumping a mixture of tar sand oil all the way from Alberta to Texas. There was strong opposition along the way, but we knew we could count on your unslaking demand for petroleum just as we count on you when it comes to deep-sea drilling, fracking and - one day - drilling in ANWR.
Now another opportunity awaits on the horizon. It turns out adorable baby puppies produce oil. Yes, this is incredible, but in the base of each baby puppy's skull is a tiny reserve of oil. It is not very pure oil, in fact, it makes shale oil look like tap-water - and there's not very much of it, and it will be expensive as hell to get at, not to mention fatal to the puppies. The catch is, if we wait until they're dogs, the oil goes away. It's only there when they're very young - we actually think there's a correlation between the adorableness of the puppy and the quantity of oil. Our scientists believe there may be similar deposits of oil in adorable baby kittens, but we haven't confirmed this yet.
At any rate, the process of extracting puppy oil, is to drive a long hollow spike into the base of the skull - it's essential the puppy be awake through this part - and suction out the oil where it is put into a centrifuge to clean out impurities such as brain tissue and hemoglobin, the off it goes to a refinery, and straight into your car.
So what we're asking is all Americans to turn over their most adorable puppies (and one day, possibly kittens) to be brutally tortured and killed for the purpose of extracting a few ounces per animal of highly-polluting oil.
We know you reaction, "That's terrible," "unspeakable," "we would never do such a thing."
Don't worry, you'll change you mind. We can wait.