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Saturday, February 22, 2014

A Matter of Some Delicacy

Out of Consideration to Those Who Might Find a
More Relevant Illustration Offensive, I Provide This
Drawing of a Charming Little Koala
This is a matter of some delicacy; however, its implications are startling, perhaps even terrifying, and I cannot let a too-prudish regard for decorum prevent me from speaking on a subject of such import.  Perhaps others have been afflicted by a similar sinister phenomenon and have been afraid to speak out from shame or embarrassment.  This blog may give them courage to come forth and share their stories.  If so, my existence on earth shall be justified.

I am speaking of my poo.

I will not go into any more detail on this matter than absolutely required, sensitive, as I am, that others may read this over the breakfast table, but something alarming has happened to the smell of my poo.  I will not claim its fragrance was ever "as the darling buds of May," but I have noticed over the past few years, the odor has grown exponentially worse - and most dreadful of all; it smells exactly like my father's used to.

"What the hell were you doing going around sniffing your father's poo?" the fair-minded reader may ask, feeling that any child who engages in such pursuits fully deserves anything he's got coming to him.  The point, however, is that when I was a child, it took no special investigation to know if my father were using the bathroom, you did not even have to step into the bathroom; during some particularly stellar occasions, you did not even need to be in the house.

Perhaps now you can understand why I consider this matter so urgent, and why I have decided to take it up in this blog.

The part that most agitates me, is I'm convinced it's not my fault.  My diet has not changed.  I begin to believe - and this is bizarre, but no other explanation fits the available facts - that some malefactor, under cover of darkness, is tampering with my food - mine and only mine, since Nancy is unaffected - introducing some noxious but flavorless substance as part of an elaborate and pointless practical joke, a joke which has been perpetrated over at least two generations, going back to my father.

Again, if others have been affected in a similar way, perhaps we can join forces and bring this mad man - or rather, this cabal, such a heinous act could scarcely be the act of a lone individual - to justice, and finally put an end to the entire sordid and troubling episode.

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