I Heart Indies

Saturday, January 18, 2014

The Grant Application of Dr. Moreau

I. Executive Summary
Dr. Timofey "Tippy" Moreau seeks a grant to continue his research in physiology and behavioral modification to develop animals capable of cooperation, communication, and civilization, "beast folk."  The objective is by the end of the program, animals will be able to stand erect, express themselves in grammatically correct English, and use a salad fork.  Funding of $25,000,000,000 is needed to purchase a private island, equipment, cages, a surgical theater, "training" equipment, and sufficient livestock for research.

II. Statement of Need
The loss of habitat to industrialization, urbanization, and agriculture continues to put pressure on a number of species, the Asiatic Cheetah to take one example.  With a population as low as 40 individuals, the Asiatic Cheetah is vulnerable to desertification and automobile accidents.  Unable to communicate with more than low-pitched growls, purrs, and hisses, the Cheetah will be unable to adapt to the demands with human society without immediate outside intervention.

III. Program Description
Using techniques developed over a lifetime of vivisection research, a surgical team led by Dr. Moreau himself with alter the physiology of selected specimens - reconstructing knee joints, ligatures, and muscles to allow quadrupeds animals to stand erect - orthodonture and palatal modifications to facilitate communication in spoken language - and transplantation of opposable thumbs to permit use of tools and manipulation of small objects such as salad forks.  Physical rehabilitation will be accompanied by a stringent program of behavior modification to enforce normative standards such as cooperation, sociability, and not eating raw meat like a damn animal.

IV. Moreau Physio-Behavior Modification
Coupled with radical reconstructive surgery, immersive courses in acceptable civilized behavior with a firm, consistent reward/punishment structure, this patented program can bring endangered species back from the brink of extinction by equipping them to survive among so-called civilized humans.  "Beast Folk" who revert to unacceptable ways - eating raw meat, drinking water except from a cup or bottle, stuffing food in your mouth like an animal - What were you raised in a barn?  Use your fork, goddamn it! - will be subjected to therapeutic aversion therapy such as electroshock, beatings with wet leather straps, waterboarding, isolation, deprivation of food, and taunting.  These should be regarded of minor nuisances and essential to the ultimate well-being of the subject.  For example, have you ever seen an animal?  Have you ever actually looked at them?  They're disgusting, really.  They don't even eat with their fingers!  Eating with their fingers would be an improvement!  And they don't wear clothes!  I honestly don't see how they get away with it.  Seriously, take a look around next time you're outside.  When's the last time you saw a chipmunk in a decent button-down shirt or even a comfortable pull-over sweater?  Never.  Oh, sure, I guess those Disney chipmunks wear sweaters, but they don't have any pants!  Donald Duck either, or Porky Pig.  They wear shirts but no pants!  What are they thinking?  Do they think at all?  I swear, they deserve to go extinct, all of them.  And they poop everywhere.  Haven't they heard of a toilet?  For chrissakes, it makes me sick thinking about it.

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