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Sunday, January 12, 2014

Open Letter to New Jersey Governor Chris Christie

I believe I have made an enemy of you, sir.  I do not know how this has happened, but it's the only explanation that makes sense.  Just take one example; the other day I was driving to work, and every stoplight was red.  Sure, one or two, you expect that, but every one?  It can't just be coincidence.  Then you take traffic itself; I'll put out of a lane that's come to a standstill and into one that's still moving, and then that one stops and the other one stops moving.  Clearly, someone is messing with me.  Someone with with power.  Someone with a grudge.

And it doesn't end when I get out of my car either.  I'll get in line at the grocery store, and I pick the shortest one, right?  Because otherwise, it'd be stupid.  But every time, the cashier suddenly turns into one of the Living Dead and scans items - all she has to do is scan them - as if each one were made of solid lead and the process of dragging them across the scanner - that's all she has to do - were as mysterious and complex and constructing the Great Pyramids.  Either that, or the customer in front of me - who only has, like, four items - will discover everything he's selected is missing its bar code or perhaps is not listed in the store's inventory at all, and requires the store manager, the CFO of the company, and several major shareholders, to track down each individual item and negotiate a price based on current commodity indexes and the core rate of inflation.

All I can say is, c'mon Mr. Christie, lighten up already!  Truce!

I do not know why you are so bitter that you must take out your rage on someone who has never said anything against you nor done anything to harm you.  Often this kind of bullying masks a deeper insecurity.  Is that it?  Is it your weight?  You need to know that you are ultimately judged by who you are not how you look.  In the meantime, maybe cut back on the rib roasts a little.  Is it your name?  I have a very cool name, and that is apt to make me smug.  Maybe that is why you have singled me out.  I am sorry you have such a dumb name, but surely you can see this is not my fault.  For this, you must make peace with your parents. Whether they gave you your name as a joke or because they stuttered, I don't know, but the time has come to deal with the demons of your past and move on.

And please, for the love of God, enough with the harassment already.

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