Sunday, December 8, 2013
The Ten Commandments of DOG
2. THOU SHALT NOT BRING INTO THE HOUSE anything from Heaven Above, the Earth Beneath, or the Waters Below. For example no PARAKEETS, HAMSTERS, or TROPICAL FISH. The TROPICAL FISH are okay if thou absolutely must, but no PARAKEETS or HAMSTERS. And absolutely no CATS under any circumstances. Thou already hast the CHICKEN, which I guess I can't do anything about, but at least she stays outside, so as long as thou leavest it at THAT, I guess we're okay.
3. THOU SHALT NOT USE THE NAME OF THY DOG in VAIN. For example, thou shalt not say, "Zoe, dost thou want to go for a walk?" unless thou really meanst it." It driveth ME crazy when thou offerest a walk, and thou dost not follow through.
4. REMEMBER WALK TIME, to keep it holy. Eight hours shalt thou labor, and that's enough. On the ninth hour, shalt thou take THY DOG for a walk, for I have been in the house all day, and I don't have opposable thumbs to flush with. And rush me not when I am sniffing, for this is an important matter thou knowest not of.
5. HONOR THEY FATHER AND THY MOTHER. For they LOVE DOGS and whenever they are here, they always seest to it I get BACON. Think about it.
6. THOU SHALT NOT KILL, nor do anything as bad as killing, such as throwing out the leftover pot roast without even offering any to the DOG, which, the way I see it, is basically cold-blooded murder.
7. THOU SHALT NOT lock thy DOG out of the room when thou choosest to climb in the bed and do that thing together, when the bed shakes, which I'm not sure what it is, but it sounds like you're chasing rabbits, for if thou lockest ME out, I will only whine and scratch the door for I AM lonely, but if thou lettest me in, I'll lie quietly on MY own bed, nor get into bed with THEE to see what thou dost up there that is so interesting, nor will I make any noise until thou art finished.
8. THOU SHALT NOT STEAL for example by throwing out pot roast, which is a SUBJECT I've already covered under KILLING, but this is also STEALING, so it's really, really bad, and thou shouldst never do it ever.
9. THOU SHALT NOT bear false witness against the DOG. For example, if thou expellest gas, thou shalt not say, "I think the DOG did it," for I am BLAMELESS, and in any case, thou foolest nobody but thine own self.
10. THOU SHALT NOT covet thy neighbor's CAT, nor thy neighbor's DACHSHUND, nor thy neighbor's RETICULATED BALL PYTHON, nor any PET thy neighbor hast. For thou hast ME and that is PLENTY.